CATWOMAN
by
Daniel Waters
June 16, 1995
IN COMPLETE DARKNESS
A cat is heard moaning, at first gently, then unbearably.
EXT. A SNOWY PATCH OF GOTHAM CITY--NIGHT
Coming out of the darkness, the viewer's viewpoint glides across
a moonlit blanket of snow toward the cry of the wounded feline. A
BLACK CAT is revealed twitching on its back amid the expanse of
white. The viewer hangs over her only briefly before drifting
forward...
Like mismatched carpet samples, the patch of glowing snow cuts
neatly-absurdly at a patch of sunscorched desert.
EXT. THE DESERT--DAY
Easing all the way into the daylit desert, one catches sight of a
lizard and gloms onto the creature's frenetic path, moving faster
and faster across the parched land. Until Zap. The Lizard
kamikazes into a grand electrified barricade.
The viewer's viewpoint arcs over the fence, way, way, into the
air to take in a spectacular view of the sparkling OASISBURG, a
gorgeous urban island in a sea of dirt and sand. Major Emerald
City vibe. As the viewer circles the city, day turns to night,
lights blast on everywhere, and the voice of Selina Kyle
insinuates onto the soundtrack.
SELINA (V.O.)
I do not know how I came to live in
Oasisburg. No one ever DOES. But then
I have forgotten what "is" and more
to the point, what ever WAS.
The viewer's viewpoint whooshes down into the city to squeamishly
embrace its majestic tackiness. As frightening as it sounds, the
city is a crazed amalgamation of LA-Vegas-Palm Springs-
Disneyland. Garish billboards shriek simple messages like RELAX
and BE HAPPY. People putter about not in cars, but in adorable
golf-cart vehicles.
The viewer makes a dazzling plow down the painful neon of the
city's MAIN STREET toward an awesome edifice at the end. A Casino-
and-more to end all casinos-and-more. A colossal sign proclaims
it FRANK'S FUN PALACE.
SELINA (V.O.)
The most Hot and most Top tourist
spot in the world--a place like all
places only more SO. Was I, Selina
Kyle, having fun with the fun of
Oasisburg? The answer is NO.
The whooshing airborne tour of Oasisburg, Selina's narration, and
whatever holy music is bellowing on the soundtrack all come to a
dead halt outside a lit-up room in the middle of a bland office
building.
INT. THE STARK ROOM OF BLANDNESS--NIGHT
Beneath a flickering fluorescent, A GROUP OF UNHAPPY WOMEN sit
slumped in a circle of uncomfortable chairs. Not very
spectacular. Heading the group in infinitely more upbeat dress
and demeanor, as if on a first date, is an ultra-perky demon
named DR. PENELOPE SNUGGLE.
PENELOPE
We did it. We've won. Over the last
years, there have been super changes
for women and we should be pleased
as, dare I say it, punch. Hand to
back--proceed to pat. There are
limits though; and Barbara, if you
try starting your own business,
you'll probably fail. I say that in
the nicest possible way. Who's next?
SAD WOMAN
Hi, I'm Mona. And I'm a victim.
THE GROUP
Hi, Mona.
SAD WOMAN
My husband tried putting styrofoam
down the garbage disposal. I told him
he shouldn't do that--he just started
screaming at me...
PENELOPE
I have one word for you, Mona. "Sh-h-
h." It's a better for a woman's soul
to take pain, than to give it out.
Now have we all finished my new
book...
Penelope holds up a hardcover with a lame drawing of Catwoman--
THE CATWOMAN COMPLEX by Dr. Penelope Snuggle.
PENELOPE
The Catwoman Complex of course refers
to the fabled Catwoman--We all know
the "tale," pardon the pun-- a couple
years back, in where-else-but that
gloomy heckhole Gotham City, a woman,
all done up as a black cat, was
supposedly sighted committing various
acts of terrorism. Whether or not
she actually ever existed, this
"Catwoman" has much to teach us--
that the pursuit of power turns women
into monsters and very unhappy
monsters at that. Women, stop trying
to be Catwomen and start being women.
Who's next?
A short, sweet pan is made from the Sad Woman to the completely
bent-over woman beside her. She raises her head. It is the woman
we know to be SELINA KYLE. And she has been through hell. With
all her energy, she aches her voice into a barely audible,
melancholy rasp.
SELINA
Hello, I'm Selina Kyle.
THE GROUP
Hi, Selina.
SELINA
And I'm a victim. I mean, that's what
they tell me. I was brought into an
emergency room in that aforementioned
hellhole Gotham City-- scars,
bruises, and bulletholes all over my
body. Most interesting thing that's
ever happened to me and I remember
nothing. Nothing. My mother brought
me back here to Oasisburg to "Relax"
and "Be Happy," just like the
billboards say. But it's hard, I...
Selina is rudely cut off by a melodic chime sonic-booming across
the city. All the women except Selina do a giddy, Pavlovian leap
from their chairs and race to the window.
(NO LONGER) SAD WOMAN
It's the call for the Cult of Good!
PENELOPE
Be still, my heart..
Through the ladies' POV, criminal activity is in progress down
below.
EXT. MAIN STREET TOWN SQUARE--NIGHT
AN ARMY OF MEN IN ZEBRA-STRIPED SHIRTS AND BLACK BERETS hustle
out from the gaping smoking hole in the face of a bank. They race
to a line of getaway golf carts. Their EYE-PATCHED LEADER shouts
up at the melodic chiming.
EYE-PATCHED LEADER
Hurry men, those silly superheroes
are coming...
One golf cart zips off down an alley while another rumbles away
down Main Street. Suddenly, a VAST BUT SLEEK VAN plows forth
knocking the latter golf cart out of frame like a toy.
Pouring out of every Casino, Hard Rock, amusement center, and
putt-putt course on the block comes an overwhelming assortment of
DELIRIOUS, "FUN"-WARDROBED TOURISTS AND CITIZENS. They encircle
the crime scene as if it were an impromptu street carnival. They
chant "Cult of Good, Cult of.." The crooks are too freaked to
move.
INT. THE UNSPECTACULAR ROOM
The women's group is drawn into the excitement of the crowd
below. A squeaky-voiced sweetheart named DIDI swings from the
window to tug up her slumped-on-a-chair-friend Selina.
DIDI
Selina, you're missing all the
heroics...Hurry!
SELINA
Do I have to?
EXT. TOWN SQUARE OF MAIN STREET
The back door of the van sesames open. A tollbooth-size behemoth
is the first to emerge with a sunglass halo wrapped over his eyes
around his hairless head. Like his forthcoming partners, he wears
red boots, a red cape, and a chestplate with a Cult of Good
insignia. He is MAMMOTH.
A YOUNG BOY WEARING A T-SHIRT WITH MAMMOTH'S IMAGE ON IT, raises
his fists into the air.
THE YOUNG BOY
Mammoth!
Next out of the van in the cape-boots-chestplate ensemble is
SPOOKY. Lithe and limber and Asian, Spooky wears a red hood
around the head with enough of the face exposed to give off a
definite whiff of androgyny. The crowd makes an "OOO" noise. A TV
REPORTER cuts in.
TV REPORTER
As you all know, the crowd's not
booing, they're just shouting the
name of the next Cult of Good
crimefighter, "Spooky."
Preening out of the van next, with perfect blonde hair and a silk
eye mask barely impinging his beautiful face, is ADONIS. He has
an adorably boyish jet pack on his back. The women in the crowd
openly lose it, exploding into tearful, sweat-stroked Beatlemania
wails.
ADONIS
Sometimes I think they love me as
much as I do...
INT. THE UNSPECTACULAR ROOM--NIGHT
The Women at the window follow suit.
(NO LONGER) SAD WOMAN
Oh, Adonis, it's Adonis, my
favorite..my Adonis..
PENELOPE
So perfect, so beautiful..so, did I
say perfect?
Selina wearys up an eye-roll at her drooling group-mates.
EXT. TOWN SQUARE OF THE MAIN STREET
Next out of the van, like a rock star taking the stage, with a
very prickly head of hair, strange goggles, and a ratty leather
jacket-beneath-cape, is the raucously cocky CACTUS. Cactus has
only one good arm--his other arm is a piece of machinery
resembling a small cannon.
CACTUS
You folks want to see a little
morality tonight! Yeah! I can't hear
you!
The crowd goes crazier. A pack of WORSHIPFUL, WOULD-BE PUNKS in
imitation jackets and goggles high-five each other.
WOULD-BE PUNK
Yes! Cactus is raw!
The crowd settles into complete silence. The army of Robbers are
more paralyzed than ever by baffled fear.
INT. FRANK'S FUN PALACE
Casino customers stop playing and drift to a big-screen T.V.
INT. THE UNSPECTACULAR ROOM--NIGHT
The women lean their foreheads to the window. Even Selina is
intrigued.
EXT. TOWN SQUARE OF MAIN STREET
TV REPORTER
I don't need to introduce the last
man out of the van, the leader of the
Cult of Good, our own personal savior--
Captain God.
In semi-slow motion, in an overpowering, all-encompassing yet
elegant and uncumbersome Helmet comes the charismatic CAPTAIN
GOD. His voice goes through a crackling scrambler box in his
helmet that makes his sound like the ultimate stiff straight
white B-movie male authority figure of all time. Unholstering a
very cool console, he remotes off the melodic chime.
CAPTAIN GOD
There is the law and there is
justice. There is the river and
there is the dam. There is the
Danish and there is the English
Muffin. In between there is only I.
The moved-to-near-tears mob thunders up with sanctimonious
cheers.
ANGELIC CROWD MEMBER
Captain God rules!
OLD WOMAN
God is good!
The superhero Team ossify together into a perfect pose.
Flashbulbs explode all over them as the tourists fire their
cameras.
Breaking from the paralysis, one of the ticked-off robbers pulls
out a gun.
GUN-TOTING ROBBER
Is this a joke?
The robber fires his gun right at an unblinking Mammoth, who is
merely holding up his hands. The TV REPORTER cuts before the
image.
TV REPORTER
Looks like this is one hooligan who
forgot about Mammoth's "invisible"
shield made from a new remarkably
clear form of plexiglass, created in
the lab of the Cult of Good's secret
hideout.
FOUR BAD GUYS
converge on Spooky, who raises up a white fist-size box and
politely addresses it.
SPOOKY
Spear.
Extending out of the box like pulled-out antennas is a formidable
makeshift spear. With jaw-dropping dexterity, Spooky spins and
swirls the weapon battering away the knives of the hapless
attackers. Yawning, the superhero sternum-pokes the first
attacker to the ground.
Then in one vicious helicopter gesture, Spooky cracks the back of
one attacker's neck while crunching the jaw of another. Without
even turning to face him, Spooky over-shoulder-flaps back the
spear down atop the attacker's skull, pounding him to the ground.
CAPTAIN GOD
fires a flame from the fingertip of a Power Glove he wears at a
line of getaway golf carts. One by one, they explode into
flames. The Eyepatched Leader uses the fireworks as an
opportunity to flee through the awed crowd.
INT. THE UNSPECTACULAR ROOM
Selina cringes away from the explosion sounds, holding her ears.
Her group buddies continue to cheerlead. Selina rushes off.
EXT. TOWN SQUARE ON MAIN STREET
A FLAMING CROOK is pulled across the frame by a runaway golf
cart. Cactus booms.
CACTUS
What a "drag."
CAPTAIN GOD
"Well done," Cactus.
The two superheroes burst into laughter at their matching quips.
Captain God turns to the viewer.
CAPTAIN GOD
In all seriousness, that one was for
Little Billy. He's the real hero.
INT. A HOSPITAL ROOM--NIGHT
Family, friends, doctors, Media, and a priest gloriously pat
Little Billy who is in a body cast (autographed by the Cult)
beaming up to Captain God on a hospital screen.
EXT. TOWN SQUARE ON MAIN STREET
Gun emptying, the Gun-toting bank robber's entire face contorts
into smooshed agony seemingly all by itself. Mammoth is revealed
to be slamming him with his clear shield. As the robber crumbles
to the ground before him, the Young Boy bobs up from his toy.
THE YOUNG BOY
Just like the Game boy!
Mammoth slams two oncoming DESPERADO'S heads together crunching
open their motorcycle helmets. He then roars to wildly applauding
crowd. They toss peanuts which he devours out of the air.
SPOOKY
Oh, I wish they wouldn't feed him
like that.
CAPTAIN GOD
Now he'll be up all night...
INT. A DINGY STAIRWELL
As terrifying cheers and explosions reverberate all around her, a
dizzy Selina lowers herself on to a stairwell, trying to keep it
together. Regaining composure, she wobbles up.
EXT. TOWN SQUARE ON MAIN STREET
Two SURRENDERING CRIMINALS stand one behind the other as Cactus
approaches.
FRONT SURRENDERING CRIMINAL
We give up! Please don't destroy us!
Cactus twists a harpoon onto his non-arm. The Back Surrendering
Criminal reaches to a gun stuck in the back pant of the front
guy. Cactus fires his harpoon.
CACTUS
Did somebody say "two-for-one sale?"
The harpoon sails right at the single file criminals.
INT. FRANK'S FUN PALACE--NIGHT
Instead of seeing the potentially yucky result, the viewer is
given the deft sight of a toothpick-impaled-through-two-olives
dropped into a martini, which is handed to the stern but smug
MAYOR OF OASISBURG by the smug but smug Fun Palace owner FRANK.
FRANK
Wow, Mr. Mayor, a show like this is
good for business...
MAYOR
Never has safety been so sexy and so
exciting. I love my town.
EXT. TOWN SQUARE ON MAIN STREET
Like the prettyboy posterboy that he is, Adonis has completely
removed himself from the action to autograph magazines and other
Bilia with his face on it. He is planting an uncomfortably deep
kiss on a BARELY TEENAGE GIRL when he is tapped by Captain God's
mighty finger.
CAPTAIN GOD
Hey, Hot Stuff. You're still on the
clock...
ADONIS
Sorry, sir. The Cult is my life and
my life is the Cult. By God, Captain
God, I shall not fail you..
Adonis squeezes up the handle that blasts on his jet-pack. He
Canaverals up, arcing mightily into the air. He twists past the
towering buildings and the lit-up room of the women's group. He
gives them a thumbs-up. They squeal in pleasure, Penelope almost
fainting.
Back down in the Square, with a rebel yell, a pack of Robbers
rush a very calm Captain God. CG presses his belt buckle causing
an ABSOLUTELY BLINDING FLASH. The Robbers cower into
incapacitated wobbles; Captain God strafes through them,
effortlessly pummeling each to the ground.
Cactus joins Captain for the stomping fun. Tourists delightedly
cam-corder the action (the viewer briefly gets the video POV).
Cactus takes a camera from A FAMILY.
CACTUS
Go on, get yourself a piece!
Cactus proceeds to film the Tourist family giddily booting and
flailing the robber. Burrowing through the crowd, Selina can't
help but gape at this horrifying sight. Cactus swings the camera
toward her.
CACTUS
Come on, babe, get in there, be a
crimefighter for a day...
Selina backs away and rushes off...
EXT. THE OASISBURG SKY
Adonis looks down to see the getaway golf cart thrashing down a
back alley. Adonis presses a button on his jet-pack. A silver
ball drops out.
EXT. THE ALLEY
The steel ball thuds atop the golf cart immediately outbreaking a
billowing pink gas. The robbers immediately keel out of the
crashing cart. A HOMELESS PERSON also thuds into a heap. So does
a poor cat. So do some falling birds. So do some flowers ex-
growing on a windowsill.
EXT. THE OASISBURG SKY
Adonis laughs down to the cloud of harm.
ADONIS
Breathing is a bitch.
He rockets past a billboard shining out "YOU'RE ON VACATION.
JUSTICE IS NOT."
EXT. TOWN SQUARE ON MAIN STREET
A DESPERATE HOODLUM makes a break for it. Cactus raises his
cannon arm, putting in a small missile. He takes aim on the
screeching away hoodlum. Captain God cuts in front.
CAPTAIN GOD
Cactus--shooting a man in the back is
not very noble.
CACTUS
That is not a man, Captain God. That
is Vomit accidentally born with two
legs.
CAPTAIN GOD
Well. I stand corrected.
Captain God takes a royal step back. Cactus fires his arm.
EXT. DARK OASISBURG STREET OFF THE SQUARE
The running away hoodlum goes up in a purty puff of smoke in the
background of a walking-forward, shuddering with her head down
Selina Kyle.
Suddenly, the Eye-patched Leader scurries out before Selina. He
does a deer-headlight pose before continuing his escape. Selina
re-trembles forward.
The viewer notices a bulky, hunched-over figure on a rickety
scooter puttering behind the faded heroine.
EXT. TOWN SQUARE ON MAIN STREET
Cactus turns from the blazing-in-the-distance hoodlum.
CACTUS
Dat's gotta hurt.
A patch of the crowd wearing "Dat's gotta hurt" T-shirts give
cheering thumbs-up signs. Cactus high-fives them with his smoking
cannon arm.
A squad of HAPPILY INEFFECTUAL POLICE roll up in sirened golf
carts to pile up the aching criminals. One suddenly leaps from
the heap, lighting up a cocktail molotov. He sprints toward a
massive store selling every kind of Cult of Good merchandising.
Adonis whooshes to a landing, pointing and squealing.
ADONIS
Captain God, he's going for the
Superhero Superstore!
EXT. THE ALLEY OFF THE SQUARE
Selina spins around. Behind her, a withered but strangely
pleasant, HUNCHED-OVER MEXICAN WOMAN WITH SEVERE DARK EYEBROWS
rests upon an idling scooter.
SELINA
You again! I told you to stop
following me! Who are--I have enough
in my life that I don't need
some...some Hag! Get out of..
Selina is silenced as a flash hits her eyes caused by the
moonlight hitting something around the still-smiling Hag's neck.
A key.
EXT. THE TOWN SQUARE OF MAIN STREET
The Final Robber heaves back to throw his explosive at the store
of Cult of Goodies.
CAPTAIN GOD
Crime does not Pay. Et cetera.
Captain God raises up a remote and presses a button. Two laser
beams eek from the eyes of two marble lions on each side of the
store's doors. The beams zap-halt the Final Robber into an
upright, quivering, standstill.
The crimefighters approach, all extending their index fingers
seemingly in order to tap him to the ground. At the last sec, the
five superheroes lower their fingers and punch out with their
other arms, sending the poor guy flying. The men go back into
their trademark heroic pose. The flashbulbs re-commence.
EXT. THE ALLEY OUT FROM THE SQUARE
Shaking off the obnoxious cheers of the crowd, Selina clacks
forward. The sound of the scooter again coughs up again. Selina
wields around...
SELINA
I said...!
Selina stops herself. The Hag on the scooter is gone. The only
thing behind Selina is a beautiful, black stoic cat. It blinks.
Selina blinks.
EXT. THE FLASHBACK TO THE SNOWY PATCH OF GOTHAM CITY--NIGHT
Again the viewer glides over the familiar carpet of snow toward
the black cat wailing on her back. The Mexican Hag is revealed to
be the owner of the POV, standing compassionately over the
damaged feline.
INT. A TOO-GIRLISH BEDROOM--MORNING
Selina awakens in the proverbial feverish sweat, zapped by bright
morning rays. She quivers into an upright position on a flowery
bed. The entire room is in fact quite suffocating in its
preserved girlishness. She drowses up to a dresser.
Atop the dresser is a sterling array of china and crystal
figurines all depicting pirouetting ballerinas. They all seem to
be staring at the ingrateful-for-the-attention Selina. With her
finger, she topples one over.
She then gives a downhearted stare to a framed photograph of
herself-as-a-girl-in-a-ballerina-dress, arm-in-arm with her
beautiful mother. The door opens. Selina's still-beautiful-but-
severe MOM makes a live appearance.
MOM
You're late.
SELINA
Yes, Mother. Dear.
Mom closes the door. Then opens it again. She firmly resets the
toppled ballerina, then re-closes the door.
INT. KITCHEN--MORNING
In pretty much deathly silence, Selina sits across from her
mother (who reads a newspaper with a THE CULT OF GOOD SAVES
ANOTHER DAY headline) at the kitchen table. Selina looks down to
the world's smallest muffin on a plate before her.
SELINA
A hearty breakfast is the start of a
great morning...
MOM
Oh, I forgot to tell you, you're on a
diet...The fact you're still
reasonably pretty is the one thing
you got going for you.
SELINA
(mock-acting as it paid a
compliment)
Oh Mommy, you're embarrassing me.
MOM
Is every single thing out of your
mouth since your "accident" have to
be a monotone mumble of cheap
sarcasm?
SELINA
Maybe.
MOM
It's funny, I've heard of giving up
finding a man and raising a family to
pursue a career. And I've heard of
foregoing a career to start a family--
but I think you're onto something
new, Selina. "Absolutely nothing"--
Has a ring to it. I think it could
catch on...How's that for sarcasm?
SELINA
Pretty good...Mom, I don't want you
to think I don't appreciate...letting
me stay, getting me the job--I've
been a mess. I'm still a mess. It's
just...we have to start having a
different conversation. I can't
take..
Mom turns on a TV set on the kitchen table. Selina is miffed at
the interruption, but lets it go. On-screen, Captain God press
conferences in his comically "powerful" voice.
CAPTAIN GOD (TV)
Everyday I put on my helmet is a day
I may die. We've all seen what has
happened recently to superheroes in
other cities. It is a dangerous job,
but I am proud to wear body armour,
so you don't have to...
MAYOR (TV)
Thank you, God. Thank all of you,
Cult of Good. You Men do us proud.
The Mayor rips down a sheet revealing a statue of the superheroes
artistically tangled in a spiraling totem with the Helmeted
Captain at its top. Jaw-droppingly Phallic, don't you know.
Selina pulls the plug on the TV.
SELINA
I'll take your abuse, but it's way
too early for the sanctimonious Cult
of Gag...
MOM
Oh, so now even the keepers of the
city don't meet your
standards...You're late.
Mom exhales out of the room. Also drearily rising, Selina throws
her uneaten muffin in the sink. She yanks up a venetian and
recoils against the table. Through the glass, at the back of a
golf-course green backyard is a GROTESQUE HUT. Even more
disturbing, the Old Mexican Hag wobbles before the creepy
domicile, stoking a fire.
SELINA
Mom...
INT. HALLWAY--MORNING
Selina flutters around a corner ready to re-call out. She catches
sight of her Mother doing an eerie, not unsexy, body undulation
in the hallway mirror. Noticing Selina, she stiffens around.
MOM
Don't sneak up on me...
SELINA
Uh, it's just--that woman out there--
that horrible Hag. She's the one who
keeps following me on her creepy
little scooter--And now she's built a
hut in the back..Why did you...
MOM
Because she asked me--and I couldn't
very well turn her down. Don't you
remember-- of course you don't
remember--that "Hag" is the one who
brought you to that hospital in
Gotham City. For what it's worth--
currently not much--we owe her your
life...When I think about a single
woman in Gotham City--amnesia is
probably the best thing that could
happen to a girl like you...Oh, don't
forget your visor.
Selina reels back against the wall, processing the strange Info.
Mom holds up a very goofy Oasisburg Visor.
EXT. MAIN STREET--DAY
Selina steps out of the shadow provided by the BE HAPPY billboard
and into the sizzling sun. Visor atop head, Selina trudges down
Main Street. Everyone else on the citywalk and in the puttering-
past golf carts wear the exact same mega-dorky visor.
Selina scans to a single file lemming line of CHILDREN march into
the superhero superstore. They come out the other end in Cult of
Good T-shirts and bomber jackets, holding C of G lunch boxes,
action figures and pennants.
Selina trembles forward. A hungry pack of TOURIST WOMEN pant
against the glass of a jewelry store, lusting over a showcased
necklace.
BAD MOTHER
Oh, I'd give up my first-born to wear
it for a day...
The woman, wearing a "Kiss my butt, I'm on vacation" shirt turns
from the pack to swat her YOUNG DAUGHTER.
BAD MOTHER
I told you to wait in the cart. I
won't let you ruin my vacation.
Rubbing her cheek, the daughter makes volume-speaking eye contact
with an unstopping Selina. Selina comes to the end of the road,
arriving at the earlier-seen monument to all that is tacky and
misguidedly ostentatious--Frank's Fun Palace.
INT. CASINO FUN PALACE--DAY
The viewer's viewpoint stays on Selina's side as she marches
through the sliding doors of the Palace. She moves beneath a
thermometer on the outside busting over 120 degrees to one in the
inside that hovers in the low twenties.
Selina immediately goes from drained swelter to stiffening
shiver. The place has a typically perverse Vegas Casino ambience
amped to the next level of over-the-top. Owner Frank swings
before Selina in a parka.
FRANK
You're late. I've got some good news
and some good news. I'm giving you
more hours and the new uniforms came
in.
SELINA
(holding up nasty uniform)
What's the good news?
INT. CASINO BACKROOM--DAY
Selina lines up with a militarily erect group of other women all
wearing the "new uniform" in its tight, hideous glory--short,
wacky tutus with a hole appallingly cut out at the stomach; a
retarded game show host's idea of sexy. The earlier-seen Didi
leans back from the line to whisper to Selina (who holds her hand
over her bare stomach).
DIDI
You shouldn't have left the meeting
so soon. Adonis gave us a thumbs-up
fly-by...
Selina is prevented a response by a piercing whistle. A scary,
bespectacled young woman in a masculine outfit and a droning
voice commandants out. Her name tag reads ESMERALDA.
ESMERALDA
You know the drill, boys. When the
whistle blows, you scoot to the next
station. Memorize the new map--
especially you Amnesia Girl.
Esmeralda flaps over a blackboard revealing an absurdly
complicated map of Palace dots.
ESMERALDA
Oh, Today's new rule: when serving
cocktails, the porthole on your
uniform should be turned to expose
the base of your spine. Failure to do
so will result in a fine. I don't
make the rules; I just really enjoy
telling you them.
SELINA
(mumbling)
This can't be my life. This can't
be...Could we fast-forward to the
part where I commit suicide?
Esmeralda narrows her eyes over to Selina. She pushes away her
hand, revealing a bullethole scar on Selina's stomach.
ESMERALDA
Oh, what a treat for our guests. Look
everyone, wounds. Take care of it.
Esmeralda blows her whistle.
INT. WOMEN'S LOUNGE
Selina, Didi, and an African-American woman named KELLY scrub the
floor of a vast women's lounge.
KELLY
I've learned one thing in my life.
Never go to work in a place where
other people come to have fun.
Nothing like the pressure to have a
good time to bring out the worst in
people.
PAINFULLY DEMANDING TOURIST WOMAN
(emerging from a stall)
Kelly, I'm having another carpet
crisis in my room. Now.
KELLY
Exhibit A.
Selina laughs. Kelly rises, only half-good-naturedly speaking
toward Selina.
KELLY
Ooh, the zombie laughs.
Esmeralda pokes her head in and blows her whistle.
INT. DINING AREA--DAY
In a bloody apron, a completely nauseated Selina sets down a
gigantic plate of gnarled, scorched cow amid a ravenous table of
Tourists, beneath an ALL YOU CAN MEAT sign. Esmeralda walks by
blowing her whistle.
INT. MAIN FUN PALACE AREA
With literally frozen smiles, Selina and Kelly serve a trayful of
bizarre looking drinks to separate tables of ladies in Furs.
After getting their 25 cent tips, Selina and Kelly step away,
rubbing their arms to stay warm.
Frank strolls by with a GROUP OF JAPANESE BUSINESSMEN. He gives
Selina a pat on her exposed back.
FRANK
You know, Kyle, you're still pretty
hot for a pre-Bicentennial babe...
SELINA
"Pre-bicentennial babe?"
FRANK
Yeah, as in born before..Ooh, I
suppose it's "sexual harassment" to
give a woman a compliment. Sheesh.
Come on, gentleman...
Frank leads the men to a mock-gold door marked the Gentleman's
Club. Selina watches him shove in a gold card-key that causes the
door to whir open...Before she can take a closer look, Esmeralda
blows the whistle.
LATER IN THE SAME PLACE
A cut is made to Selina standing as a human statue in a water
fountain in the middle of the casino. She tries to look to her
watch. A whistle sound is heard.
INT./EXT. A BACK DOORWAY--DAY
A trashcan wedges open one of the casino's sliding doors. It
hiccoughs against the can as the women workers fall into
exhausted, relaxed positions. Selina bites into an apple. The
others look to her as if she burped.
SELINA
What did I do?
WOMAN WORKER
Oh no, it's nothing, it's just you
know, the whole eating thing--I mean,
considering the new uniforms..
KELLY
I could design a great uniform. I
don't mind wearing something
degrading if it's interesting, but
god, this thing...
DIDI
(sighing)
What would we do without this doorway--
where Africa meets the North Pole.
The only place in this entire city
that feels just right...
The Women simultaneously release their tension and lean back into
well-earned, but vague bliss. Ruined by Esmeralda.
ESMERALDA
Are you ladies enjoying your break?
She obnoxiously blows her whistle and tugs away the trashcan, the
women bob behind the closing sliding door.
INT. SALON AREA
In a small, tiled salon area at the edge of the Palace carpet,
Selina, Kelly, and Didi concurrently manicure, pedicure, and
facial the Painfully Demanding Tourist.
PAINFULLY DEMANDING TOURIST
You girls listen to me. That's when
Oasisburg was Oasisburg--before the
foreigners...
Didi removes a hot towel from the Demanding Tourist's face. She
looks off, suddenly mellowed.
PAINFULLY DEMANDING TOURIST
What. is. that?
DIDI
It's an every woman's dream.
Selina swings her head. As Didi coos out his bio, the viewer
takes in the slow motion sight of the magnetic, man's man of
Madison County, BROCK LEVIATHAN, making a charisma-drenched
entrance from one end of the casino. A black Doberman trots next
to him.
DIDI
His name is Brock Leviathan and he's
a real architect.
A true maverick in his field, Brock
has designed some of the most unique
yet functional structures on the
planet, including this very Fun
Palace. World Traveler, Sculptor,
Loner--during a fishing trip last
year in Baja, he caught the second
biggest Marlin on record. Without a
doubt, the most eligible bachelor in
Oasisburg...
KELLY
Not so fast, here comes my vote...
Selina swings her head the other way. More of a sly, nimble
charmer than the muy macho B. Leviathan, LEWIS LANE makes an
equally attractive slow-motion stride from the opposite end of
the Fun Palace.
KELLY
He's Lewis Lane, last of the serious
journalists. The Oasisburg Times paid
a bundle for him. Lewis won a
Pulitzer for his first hand account
of the Corto Maltese revolution.
Excellent chef and a renowned Jazz
musician with a cult following in
Europe, no woman has captured his
heart--but I think he used to date
Bjork.
The strutting Brock and Lane bump into each other, ending the
slow-motion. They give each other cool glances. Taking everyone's
attention, Brock's Doberman suddenly skids onto the tile of the
salon area. Selina tugs it out, while the dog delightedly licks
the heck out of her.
BROCK
He likes you. Kincaid and I have
always had similar tastes...
SELINA
In women?
BROCK
(putting her on)
No, in art. I try not bring up women
around Kincaid. It's a sore spot
between us. Long story..
SELINA
I'll bet. Funny, for some reason, I
don't think dogs are supposed to like
me.
BROCK
You say that like an amnesia victim.
SELINA
Guilty. I am.
BROCK
Ouch. I hope you're not offended by
aggressively curious men.
SELINA
I don't know. I can't remember.
Kincaid wags away. Brock gives off some simmering, smiling eye-
contact before moving off after him. Selima turns back. Lewis
Lane is facing her, also smiling.
THE WOMEN
gape at the sight of Selina turning from Brock to Lane.
PAINFULLY DEMANDING TOURIST WOMAN
Shameless Hussy.
KELLY
A-men.
LEWIS LANE
contemplates.
LANE
A genuine woman of mystery in
Oasisburg. Amnesia. Bulletholes in
exposed stomach badly concealed with
body make-up. Beautiful, intelligent
eyes that have no business in
"Frank's Fun Palace" or anybody
else's Fun Palace for that matter..
SELINA
Uh. "Thanks?"
A too-nearby Esmeralda glares at the flirting Selina. She blasts
her whistle making Selina wince.
LANE
Pity. Onto the next station.
A smiling Lane smooths off to the mock-gold Gentleman's Club door
and cards himself in. Selina narrows her eyes for a forbidden
peek.
Selina's POV sees a group of CIGAR SMOKING MEN mesmerized up to a
back-to-the-viewer DANCER in a perceptibly feline outfit. The
dancer is moving her body in an echo of the dance Selina's Mom
did in the hallway mirror. Wait, could that actually be..The door
whines shut.
INT. BACK AREA
Esmeralda is handing out checks. The Women Workers excitedly snap
them, deflating by actually looking at them.
SELINA
Oh. I think I'll run out and
buy...gum.
KELLY
Did you know we make thirty percent
less than what a man makes on the
job?
DIDI
You mean, there are men who have this
job?
KELLY
Uh, I was speaking hypothetically.
ESMERALDA
Quit griping--it's not like you have
"skills" or better yet, "hidden
potential."
Sighing but resigned to her new life, Selina neatly folds her
check and departs out the backdoor exit.
EXT. ALLEY BEHIND THE FUN PALACE--DUSK
Selina comes out into an alley, going into her sad, trudging
mode. She turns to a familiar sputter behind her. The Old Heavy
Eyebrowed Mexican Hag is trailing in her rickety scooter. Selina
tentatively scuffles back toward the scooter causing the Hag to
buzz away. Selina breaks into a run, pleading out.
SELINA
Wait--please! Strange old hag person,
come back! I need to ask you-- please!
The Mexican Hag twists to a stop. She smiles. With a happy
exhale, Selina races forward--when suddenly Selina drops into a
hole.
INT. THE HIDEOUT OF THE CULT OF GOOD--DUSK
After a somersault down through the air, a shocked-at-her-own-
physicality Selina lands on her feet--behind a stack of boxes
marked CLASSIFIED GADGETRY. The tribal sounds of beating drums
can be heard further freaking her out. Selina squeezes through
the stacks of boxes toward the drums. She is in the Hideout of
the Cult of Good.
The level below Selina and the boxes is decked out with the usual
higher-tech fact-finding machinery found in any good superhero
lair. More to the point, at the center of the hideout is a round
table around which stand Captain God, Cactus, Spooky, and Adonis
solemnly beating their own drum. They stop so Captain God can
speak in his abnormally-normal voice.
CAPTAIN GOD
We are the Cult of Good, secretly
formed without knowledge of each
other's identities, we live to make
evil die, to serve mankind by--yeah,
yeah, you know the rest..
The superheroes loosen up and kick back around the table.
CACTUS
Boss-man, what were you going on
about last night: "I am the Law and I
am the Danish..."
CAPTAIN GOD
I don't know what I was saying. I
totally phoned it in last night. I
haven't been getting a lot of sleep
lately...
ADONIS
The crowd bought it.
CAPTAIN GOD
Crowd always buys it. What do we got?
SPOOKY
The shopkeeper on 13th street won't
drop the lawsuit--He still claims one
of the lasers we fired at the Jenkins
gang burned down his store..
CACTUS
I hate innocent bystanders. Whine,
whine, whine. Will he settle?
ADONIS
God, can I have tomorrow off? My new
cereal is coming out and they want me
to sign boxes over at..
THE UPPER LEVEL
Selina huffs into a half-smile down to the strange conversation below.
THE LOWER LEVEL OF THE HIDEOUT
Captain God bellows through his Darth Vaderesque voicebox.
CAPTAIN GOD
Do I have to remind everyone that in
two days, we'll all be dead. The Cult
of Good will be a memory. I don't
want to hear about lawsuits or
cereals. We have a secret mission...
ADONIS
(jiggling red hotline phone)
I still have to call my agent--my
techno-single just made the hot
100...what's with the phone?
CAPTAIN GOD
You have to dial nine first.
Suddenly, an entering, roaring Mammoth hurls the seen-last-night
Eyepatched Leader of the Robbers onto the table, chained.
MAMMOTH
Mammoth bring bad guy...Mammoth not
big and stupid.
SPOOKY
Of course not, Mammoth. Sit, Mammoth.
SELINA
hunches forward, eyes ever-widening in fascination.
CAPTAIN GOD
coolly clambers atop the table to stand over the defiantly
seething Eye-patched Leader.
EYEPATCHED LEADER
I thought we had a deal! The way it
always worked! We give you some, you
give us some! The bank robbery last
night was supposed to be guaranteed
superhero-free! Captain God, you gave
me your word! I don't get it, the Cult
of Good was getting 40 percent of the
cut!
CAPTAIN GOD
I know, I know, I feel bad, Esse--
You see we're getting out of this
Burg the day after tomorrow--And
honestly we just don't care
anymore...
The Cult of Good rumbles into laughter. Captain God kicks the Eye-
patched Leader into a roll off the table.
SELINA
is too petrified to move.
SELINA
Oh, I really need to be overhearing
this conversation...
THE LOWER LEVEL OF THE HIDEOUT
Spooky and Cactus unchain the more-confused-than-ever thug.
EYEPATCHED LEADER
Day after tomorrow? You're the keepers
of the city--You can't just leave--
You run this town. I don't
understand.
CAPTAIN GOD
I know you don't understand. That's
why we're laughing...
CACTUS
Don't worry about us, hoodlum. We're
giving ourselves a hell of a going
away party--one that this cheesy city
will never forget. We do it in every
city we go to...
EYE-PATCHED LEADER
"Every city you go to?" What..
ADONIS
Cactus, I can't believe you just said
all that...
CACTUS
Oops--my face must match my cape. And
to think we were going to let you
go...
Spooky twirls up her leg to boot the Eye-patched Leader into a
rolling chair. Cactus does a sock to the stomach that sends the
chair and the crook flying across the Hideout floor until stopped
by Mammoth's fist.
ADONIS
I vote "Car Wash."
MAMMOTH
Car wash...Car wash...Car wash.
CAPTAIN GOD
Well, we spent enough time building
the damn thing, might as well use it.
SPOOKY
A bit sadistic, don't you think,
Captain...?
CACTUS
A bit sadistic? That's the point.
What's gotten into you, Spooky? Our
last week in a town, we follow one
rule. No rules. Car wash, it is! Good
luck, man.
With LA Cop sense of unearned superiority, the superheroes amble
to the terrified Eye-Patched Leader. Captain God pulls a lever
and a piece of floor slides open. Cactus and Mammoth drag the
thug into the indiscernable-to-the-audience hole, then bound out.
Captain God presses a button marked CAR WASH. A gear-whining
noise is heard along with some other unusual sound effects...and
finally a loud scream.
SELINA
recoils back in horror, knocking one of the boxes into a
teetering-on-its-last-splinter position.
THE LOWER LEVEL
Hovering over the opening, the Cult of Good flinch back with
disgusted but highly amused "Ooohing" noises.
CACTUS
"Dat's gotta hurt!"
SPOOKY
He didn't remember to roll up his
window...
ADONIS
Three seconds--I think we have a new
record...
MAMMOTH
He didn't even try!
The sound of a falling box from above silences everyone. Captain
God enunciates in his very best California Highway Patrol voice.
CAPTAIN GOD
That is either a very big rat. Or a
very big problem. Either way, kill
it.
THE UPPER LEVEL OF THE HIDEOUT
Selina does a weary cringe to the fallen box behind her.
SELINA
Hidden witness accidentally makes
noise to call attention to herself--
How original.
Selina dives under a tarp on the floor. The superheroes scramble
to the upper level, pushing away piles of merchandising and
kicking up boxes. Cactus smokes toward the flimsy tarp.
MEXICAN HAG
Hola.
Everyone erects themselves from searching positions. Cactus spins
from the tarp. Selina pokes her eyes out. Ever grinning, the
Mexican Hag plainly reveals herself to the astonished masters of
the universe.
CACTUS
Oh, Senorita, this may not be the
biggest mistake of your life, but it
is your last.
MEXICAN HAG
Hola.
Cactus makes a cocksure step. With panther quickness, the old
woman lowers herself and swings out with her legs, tripping up
Cactus. With samurai skill, she crunches Mammoth's knees, deftly
eludes a diving Adonis, and twists and elbow in Spooky's face.
Captain God statuesquely mounts the steps to watch his team being
outflanked by the little lady. He raises up his Power Glove and
fires his finger.
CAPTAIN GOD
Adios.
Hit by a very powerful bullet, the Mexican Hag slams back against
the upper-level railing, crumpling in a heap. Selina shudders,
biting down a horrified squeal.
CAPTAIN GOD
Well, you don't see that everyday.
Somebody tell me what's the deal with
Frida Kahlo here?
SPOOKY
Just a homeless woman. Wrong place.
CACTUS
(laughing)
Right time. That was kind of fun. She
had spunk.
CAPTAIN GOD
Why am I still troubled...
The melodic chiming noise fills the air. Everyone sighs.
CAPTAIN GOD
Who's got the keys to the Van?
The superheroes charge down the stairs. A shattered Selina crawls
from the tarp. Tearing up, she eases up to the Hag, whose face is
bathed in a beatific light.
SELINA
Oh no, no, you hideous,
hideous..beautiful woman. I can't
stand another mystery in my life, I
really can't. You led me into the
hole, didn't you? You wanted all this
to happen..Why?
A noise. Selina shudders--to the sight of the black cat creeping
from the rubble. Selina clings her up and sorrowfully pets her.
The cat gently slips out of her grasp to curl next to the key
around the Hag's neck. Selina stares.
EXT. THE KYLE BACKYARD
Shining by the moon, the key seems to bob disembodied across the
night, until Selina emerges from the darkness, wearing it around
her neck. She is holding the cat in an almost zombie walk through
her mother's backyard toward the Hut.
INT. THE HUT--NIGHT
Selina flaps into the Hut of typical mystical Hag decor: Chipped
crystals, smoking roots, scribbled curses, all illuminated by
disturbing candles. Selina drifts by it all toward an ancient
wondrous chest and its sparkling-by-candlelight keyhole.
Selina shoves the sweat-covered key over her neck and into the
hole. Click. Selina lets go of the cat, who clumps into a
comfortable witness position. Selina opens the chest. Inside is
the Catwoman outfit. Its mask. Its whip. Selina falls to her
knees.
EXT. SNOWY PATCH OF GOTHAM CITY--NIGHT
Again, the viewer glides across the snow of Gotham City, joining
the Old Mexican Hag as she tiptoes toward the wailing cat--only
the cat is not a cat anymore. Selina in the Catwoman outfit is
writhing on the white ground, bloodied and bruised.
INT. THE HUT--NIGHT
Clenching the outfit out of the chest, Selina crashes to her side
in the dirt with body-racking cackles that veer into cat
screeches. Selina cuts off, her eyes dead-open.
EXT. THE SNOWY PATCH OF GOTHAM CITY--NIGHT
On the moonlit white, Catwoman has calmed into a graceful
slumber. Legs approach. They belong to Selina Kyle. Her own
Prince Charming, Selina kneels and twists to give Catwoman a
soulful kiss. Catwoman's eyes open. Wild winds begin to blow the
Gotham snow.
EXT. OUTSIDE THE HUT--NIGHT
Wild winds swirl around the hut in Oasisburg. Selina emerges in
the historic Catwoman ensemble, pulling the mask on. The viewer's
viewpoint swirls upward...
INT. SELINA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT
The sexy, lazy tempest knocks open the window of Selina's
childhood bedroom, jostling everything out of its precious order.
The army of ballerina figurines splatter everywhere. Mom flusters
into the room to batten down. She looks out the window and gets a
quick glimpse of a strange figure slitting into the night. Mom's
reaction is hard to gauge.
EXT. ABOVE OASISBURG--NIGHT
The viewer does an awesome, city-wide Zeus POV plunge into
glamorous Oasisburg. The lit-up billboard emblazoning "Be Happy"
nastily collapses out of the pretty picture.
EXT. THE ROOFTOP OF THE BILLBOARD--NIGHT
Heaving a sledgehammer to a rest upon her shoulders, Catwoman
rises up before the Moon. Her eyes dart over to another building
topped off with a billboard imploring "RELAX." She scowls.
EXT. MAIN STREET PROMENADE
FAMILIES and COUPLES pretending to be in love, all dressed in
we're-having-fun clothing, promenade the Disney/CityWalkesque
main street. Before they can break out in song, the RELAX
billboard comes crashing down between them all sending everyone
shrieking.
The Jewelry-Loving Bad Mother is trying to Instamatic the
precious necklace. Her henpecked Daughter points to the rubble.
DAUGHTER
Mom, did you see that?
BAD MOTHER
I told you not to interrupt me...
Again, the Bad Mother spins to slap her daughter. A black
leathered hand with sharp homemade fingernails intercepts the
gesture.
CATWOMAN
Mothers shouldn't hit their
daughters...Alas, we are not related.
Catwoman angrily paw-pushes the Bad Mother's face, sending the
woman down on her behind. Setting off an alarm, Catwoman punches
the jewelry store glass and rips out the adored necklace. She
flings it up into a massive electric bug-catcher that causes a
sizzling explosion that anguishes the Mother and delights the
Daughter.
Alarm blaring away, Catwoman prances forward. The Starbuckian
Crowd squeamishly backs away, but is too mesmerized to run. A
COCKY FRATERNITY GUY in an "Oasisburg U.--where Education Comes
Third" T-shirt presses to the front of the crowd.
COCKY FRATERNITY GUY
Hello--You people idiots? It's a
woman, folks. I don't care what she's
wearing, I'm...
Catwoman casually launches her arm, uncoiling her whip with a
lightning snap. It seemingly perfectly stings into the Cocky
Guy's mouth. He holds his face in blistering pain.
CATWOMAN
Catwoman got your tongue?
COCKY FRATERNITY GUY
(An incomprehensible mouth-damaged
moan).
CATWOMAN
That's okay. It was a rhetorical
question.
The Fraternity Boy charges forward. Catwoman calmly rolls over
his bearing-down back. She sweetly backkicks his face sending the
young man ramming into the store alarm, crunching it into
grateful silence. Catwoman happily sighs, fingering into her mock-
ears. The dumbfounded tourists fumble up their camera equipment
and explosively fire.
CATWOMAN
Please, please, no flash photography.
A PLANET-HOLLYWOODY DOORMAN IN A GOLD BOMBER JACKET breaks toward
a big red-button, labeled the CULT OF GOOD, set up on the corner
like a mailbox.. He is right about to reach it when the whip
wraps around his ankles. Catwoman tugs him into a thud. Then
saunters to the button herself with a Cheshire smile.
CATWOMAN
Come out and play..
Catwoman whams the red button. The melodic alarm fills the air...
INT./EXT. SUPERHERO VAN ON NORTH MAIN STREET
The Cult of Good Van blitzes toward the viewer, a periscope
popping from its top.
The superheroes are crammed together in the 70's shag-carpeted
interior of the Van. Cactus mans the periscope.
ADONIS
I thought we were going to take it
easy until the Mission...
CACTUS
This looks promising...
The Infra-Red Periscope view shows the crunched "RELAX"
billboard.
EXT. MAIN STREET PROMENADE
The Van screeches into a half-doughnut stop. The superheroes
casually pop out like clocking-in factory workers. Their calm is
wounded by the sight of a line of tourists and citizens crouching
in silence on the sidewalk.
SPOOKY
Leave the Van running..This shouldn't
take long...
ADONIS
Hello, Oasisburg!
(noticing fear of crowd)
What's everybody's problem...
CAPTAIN GOD
Apparently...That.
Enchantingly curled in the middle of the street, Catwoman is in
adorable slumber mode. Not waking, she bats a fly from her face.
SPOOKY
What's the catch?
CACTUS
Ooh, I've read about this philly.
She's the one who gave that wimp
Batman all those migraines up in
Gotham...
MAMMOTH
(childlike)
Kitty...
CAPTAIN GOD
Back Mammoth. I want someone to harm
her, not cuddle her...
CACTUS
I don't know, Boss, you saw what the
big guy did to the last kitty we gave
him.
CAPTAIN GOD
How could I forget. Mammoth--go pet
the kitty.
Mammoth approaches the nestled Catwoman. And stomps down on her.
Her stomach recoils back just enough to make a miss. Confused and
enraged, Mammoth stomps again. Catwoman does a quick roll that
ends with her resting against her elbow as if watching TV on the
carpet. She awakens with a yawn.
Mammoth rushes for a kick. As if pulled by a Puppeteer, Catwoman
uncoils into a standing rest against a lamppost. Mammoth rotates
for another rhino charge. Instead, Catwoman bolts toward him.
She ballets up to a tiptoe rest upon his belt buckle. Then swings
around with her other leg. Mammoth is thwacked into a stumble
back. He lets off a Stoogesque whinny of frustration as Catwoman
completely unwinds back into her original dozing position.
CACTUS
Stand off, Curly. Learn from the
master.
Affixing a whirring drill bit to his mechanical arm, Cactus
strolls forward. In a surprising flash, he comes down hard with
the drill. Catwoman's stomach flies back an absurdly far
distance back. Cactus comes down again.
Catwoman does a full leg spread to make a miss. She then scissors
her legs around the drill, snapping it off.
She somersaults up, weaving from Cactus's determined punches.
Catwoman then savagely Rockettes up her leg. With immense self-
satisfaction, Cactus snares it by the ankle.
CACTUS
Nice leg, baby.
CATWOMAN
Thanks. I have two.
Using her held leg as leverage, Catwoman completely spins the
other half of her body into the air cracking Cactus's skull with
her free leg. She lands on her feet. Cactus lands in a heap.
The earlier-glimpsed Young Boy in the crowd glumly lowers his
beeping Toy.
THE YOUNG BOY
This isn't like the Gameboy..
CATWOMAN
Learn to read, you annoying little
brat!
Catwoman strips the toy from the traumatized boy and flings it
into a more-emotionally-than-physically hurt Mammoth's face.
Catwoman laughs, not noticing Captain God making a stealth move
to her side. She darts a look to him as he raises his literally
trigger finger. A beat.
He fires at her head and her head snaps back. With a sultry grin,
Catwoman reels in. And spits out the bullet. She confidently
opens up her mouth again. Captain God pulls out a machine gun
from around his back. Catwoman's face drops, her mouth comically
remaining open. Drawbridging back up, Catwoman dives behind some
trashcans as Captain God fires the machine gun.
With his jet-pack, Adonis swooshes down behind a rising-up-behind-
a-lamppost Catwoman.
ADONIS
I wish I didn't have to hurt you so
soon. What's pain without love...
CATWOMAN
Oh Boy Wonderful, I know you don't
have superhuman powers in traditional
crime-fighting, but I can tell by
looking at you--that in other areas--
you're super-duper-M-A-N. Oh,
I'm in heat..
Mock-smitten, Catwoman melts her body into his. An unbuckling
noise. Adonis closes his eyes in pleasure. Catwoman's claw flicks
on a switch on the power-pack. The machine whooshes dis-embodied
into the air. Adonis opens his eyes to wail at his departing
goody.
ADONIS
Woman, those things are expensive!
CATWOMAN
Shut up, Bitch.
Catwoman viciously knees Adonis in the groin, doubling him over.
She turns to the comfortably approaching Spooky.
CATWOMAN
I know that was a cliche, but as
cliches go, a good one. Don't worry,
I'm not forgetting you.
Catwoman launches a full-fledged kick into Spooky's privates.
Spooky yawns.
CATWOMAN
(using name as adjective)
Spooky.
SPOOKY
(to white box)
Spear.
Spooky's spear extends out and the androgynous superhero gives it
a sweeping swipe. Catwoman completely bends back onto her hands
forming a human arch. Spooky stabs down the spear, Catwoman
lunges up and uses the weapon as a pole vault to flip over
Spooky's head.
Catwoman clings up a brick and girlishly bounds toward the
superhero merchandising store. Adonis yelps.
ADONIS
Captain God, she's going for the
Superhero Superstore!
As he did before, Captain God presses up a remote. Laser beams
shoot out from the sentinel lions, not at the oncoming intruder,
but veering wildly off, past the Heroes' ducking heads. The beams
buzz smack-dab into the phallic statue of the Cult of Good,
erupting it in a Bobbit-tian blast.
The crowd loses it. Squealing their lungs out, they disperse in
all directions. In deranged anger, the Do-Gooders turn from their
leveled totem of worship back to Catwoman, who stands in a cutesy
Boopesque pose, index finger against her chin.
CATWOMAN
You see, I kind of re-configured the
laser trajectories--Oh, I don't know
all those big words like you guys
do...See ya.
With a giggle, Catwoman tosses the brick over her head. It bangs
through the passenger window of the Heroes' idling Van. The brick
bounces off the front seat onto the gas pedal. The Van roars
forward, right through the doors of the merchandising store in a
brisk, everything-shattering crash.
The Heroes roar in agony. Catwoman twists next to a comparatively
stoic Captain God, purring into his ear.
CATWOMAN
You're not a super-hero. You're not
even a hero. You're a scary, sick,
fake who made a big mistake. You
killed someone very special to me..
CAPTAIN GOD
And...your point?
Captain God does a savage elbow into Catwoman's stomach. He
swings around his hand, but Catwoman does a two-clawed catch. She
unlatches his Power Glove, exposing his fleshy hand. She harshly,
but not unattractively bites into it causing God to do a not
unamusing scream through his voice-box. Catwoman cackles into a
smooth cartwheel right into an open manhole.
Mammoth bounds after her, but gets stuck with an ugly roar.
ADONIS
Oh Man, not the sewer, I just had
this cape cleaned...
CAPTAIN GOD
It's okay. Let her go.
CACTUS
Let her go? Our store..our pride..she
castrated our monument!
Captain God is very calmly rubbing his injured hand with his
uninjured one, then sticking the bloody fingers into the mouth of
his helmet to lick them.
SPOOKY
You like them, don't you, Boss.
CAPTAIN GOD
Oh, I like her. I like her a lot. I
want to save this one for later.
Something that tasty you don't eat
all at once. Go back to your alter-
egos, we'll regroup in the morning.
The superheroes drift off in different directions, tensions
boiling high. Spooky notices the black cat warming itself by the
fire of the merchandising store. Spooky can't help but smile.
INT./EXT. SPOOKY'S PLACE
Spooky leaps down a fire escape, then rustles behind the red cape
to pull out a rabbitfoot keychain. Spooky enters an apartment and
flicks on a light. Staying outside, the viewer backs away from
the lit window to see Spooky taking off the superhero uniform.
The chest-plated top comes off, revealing a sheet tied around
Spooky's torso--the international symbol of a woman strapping
down her breasts to pose as a man. Spooky boils some water and
pulls out some Kraft macaroni and cheese. As Spooky starts to
take off the sheet, the viewer's viewpoint pulls out to Catwoman
watching from a fire escape across the way.
CATWOMAN
I had a feeling...Spooky is a lady.
INT./EXT. THE HUT
The Catwoman outfit flutters back down into the chest. In
pajamas, Selina looks meditatively into an old cracked mirror,
stroking the black cat on her lap.
SELINA
This can't be my life...this can't
be..
(dazed laugh)
I can't believe it--I'm Catwoman. Me.
So weird...
The viewer's viewpoint pulls out from the poignantly unsure
Selina through a makeshift "window" opening on the hut. It is
revealed Captain God is watching her.
CAPTAIN GOD
I had a feeling...Catwoman is that
arousing woman from Frank's Fun
Palace. Wow.
INT. THE MAYOR'S OFFICE--THE NEXT DAY
The Mayor of Oasisburg is grimly pacing before his staff and the
uncomfortably seated superheroes. Mammoth is scarfing a breakfast
buffet. In a STOP THE VIOLENCE T-shirt, Adonis is gently vined
around a trembling-with-joy female Staffer.
ADONIS
After you've been with a super-hero,
you can never go back..
MAYOR
(cutting into view)
Have you heard of nowhere? Well, we're
in the middle of it. Attracting
people to come here is everything
we're about. Tourism is 98 percent
of Oasisburg's revenue..
Mammoth raises his hand.
MAYOR
And don't ask me what's the other
two..
Mammoth lowers his hand.
MAYOR
All it takes is one unpleasant thing
to send people fleeing up to Tahoe
and down to Cuba. Last night, the
Helipad was jammed with people
clawing to get out of here. I don't
want to take anything away from you
men. The Cult of Good has been great.
You've made crime-fighting a
spectator sport and I can't thank you
enough.
(losing it)
But will you please destroy Catwoman!
I beg you, make her die in agony! A
couple serial killers I can handle,
but have a woman running around in a
sexy but dangerous cat-suit--It gets
under your skin and you can't get it
out! Men question their manhood and
women I-don't-know what...
CAPTAIN GOD
Mayor. The animal will be put to
sleep. Tonight.
INT. THE KYLE KITCHEN
Selina breezes into the kitchen and casually tosses the miniscule
muffin laid out for her into her mouth. Her Mom looks up from a
newspaper headline: CATWOMAN CLAWS OASISBURG.
MOM
Where were you last night? I didn't
hear you come in.
SELINA
It's because I didn't come in. I live
in the Hut, now. I meant to tell
you..See ya.
Selina runs off, smiling to the newspaper headline. With
surprising mountain lion swiftness, Mom rockets around and
poaches Selina by the arm. Both Daughter and Mother are unnerved
by the move.
MOM
Just because you're starting to get
your memory back--it doesn't mean you
know everything. Be careful...
Mom lets go. Rubbing her arm, Selina backs out of the kitchen.
INT. A RADIO STATION--DAY
An obnoxiously stern-as-in-Howard D.J., OINK JACKSON, is growling
in the flesh, next to a big Mike and a coffee mug reading WOMEN--
CAN'T LIVE WITH THEM, CAN SHOOT THEM. Delicately seated across
from him in headphones is author/feminist Dr. Penelope Snuggle.
DJ PIG
"Throwing Women Out of a Moving
Vehicle When They Make You Angry"--
I'm Oink Jackson and that's been this
morning's topic; thanks for your
calls. I admit "Slowing down" is a
valid point. That said, I have a
very special guest in the studio--
one of the country's foremost post-
feminists, Dr. Penelope Snuggle,
author of--talk about timing--The
Catwoman Complex. Penny, what is up
with this chick? I gotta say, a bath
with my tongue and she'd be
domesticated like that.
PENELOPE
(smiling deference)
You're probably right, Oink. You
know, I almost feel sorry for the
nutcase. Catwoman is just the
ultimate example of every--I'm making
quotations with my fingers--
"powerful" woman: a raging psycho who
can't admit she needs an H-U-G.
(twinge of jealousy)
Don't even get me started on her
exploitatively tight male magnet
uniform with the strategically placed
flesh-patch rips..
DJ OINK
Don't get me started either, I'll
lose my license...
DJ Oink presses a button that causes a BOING noise. Penelope
delightedly blushes.
PENELOPE
Oh Oink, you're ba-ad..
EXT. CART ON MAIN STREET
A radio crackles...
DJ OINK (RADIO)
What symptoms should a man looks for
to make sure his woman isn't
empowering up behind his back...
PENELOPE (RADIO)
Well if you refer to the chart on
page 31, you'll see...
A shoe kicks the radio into silence. The foot belongs to an out-
of-conformist-visor-into-groovy-sunglasses Selina. Didi drives.
DIDI
What did you do that for?
SELINA
My sanity.
Selina grins out to a bunch visored Tourists hastening off
clutching hastily packed suitcases, beneath an Oasisburg Times
poster promo-in "Catwoman--Who?What?When?Where?How?" with a
fuzzy photo.
Selina catches sight of the frazzling-forward-with-suitcase Bad
Mother and her Daughter, who as she did before makes eye contact
with Selina. She smiles and winks. Selina is a little freaked--
"How does she..."--but manages to smile, too.
INT. THE FUN PALACE
Selina and Didi come in from the hot and take a violent slapstick
hit back from the air conditioning. They stagger forward. Frank
approaches, licking lips.
FRANK
There you are, Selina. I've been
thinking..I have some.."positions"
opening up..
SELINA
Stop.
FRANK
Oh, what? I offer you a job in implied
exchange for physical favors and
suddenly it's "sexual harassment..."
SELINA
Can I be frank, Frank? Your entire
existence is sexual harassment. I
accept there's not much you can do
about it.
The women workers of the Fun Palace drift toward the bubbling
volcano.
FRANK
Hey, you're anti-male.
SELINA
Oh Frank, I'm not anti-male, I'm anti-
you. Believe me, there's a
difference. Kelly is designing new
uniforms for next week. Pay her and
thank her. And is it a rule that the
hottest places on the planet have the
coldest air conditioning. There's
something out there called 73
degrees, look into it.
FRANK
What if I were to say "You're Fired?"
SELINA
What if I were to say "Your Wife"--
as in does she know of your touching
mentor-student relationship with the
post-Bicentennial babe working the
roulette wheel?
FRANK
(a beat)
Kelly, get to work on those new
uniforms. I'm not running a summer
camp here..
Didi, Kelly, and the other workers look to Selina in impressed
awe. Frank blusters off. Selina removes her shades. The Doberman
Kincaid suddenly lunges into frame, insanely baring its teeth.
Selina springs away as Brock Leviathan tugs back with a leash.
BROCK
Strange--you seemed so close. I
wonder what's happened since
yesterday..
SELINA
I wonder..
A DIGNIFIED BRITISH BUTLER, JEFF, intervenes, taking control of
the hound.
BUTLER JEFF
Oh, do let me handle this, sir..
BROCK
Why thank you, Jeff.
A slightly flustered Selina and Brock walk off together through
the vivid casino thoroughfare.
BROCK
What's the matter...
SELINA
Nothing, just a jolt of deja-vu. I
think I went out with a guy with a
dignified British butler--can't
remember how it turned out..
BROCK
I'll bet the butler's name wasn't
"Jeff."
SELINA
(laughing)
You're probably right.
BROCK
I was wondering, if you're not doing
anything tonight...Would you like to
go to dinner?
I know; a tame suggestion considering
the wide variety of miniature golf
possibilities available to the
Oasisburg citizen--but nevertheless,
would you?
Selina and the viewer scan to one of Brock's hands. It has a
bandage on it.
FLASHBACK FROM LAST NIGHT
In eerie-erotic slow motion, Selina/Catwoman flashback bites into
Captain God's exposed hand.
BACK TO THE FUN PALACE
Blown away, Selina snaps back to live-action, bumping into a
GAMBLING WOMAN, knocking away her martini. With amazing (ly
suspicious) rexlexes, Brock snares the glass in air with his
bandaged hand and hands it to the impressed Gambler.
SELINA
How heroic of you...
BROCK
(to bandage)
Kincaid got a little frisky last
night...So, meet here at eight and go
from there? By the way, I'm Brock
Leviathan.
SELINA
But of course you are. Dinner at
Eight. Wouldn't miss it.
BROCK
There's a nice cafe down the
street...unless you're afraid of this
Catwoman prowling around. We can
always dine at the mansion, if..
SELINA
I'm not afraid. Are you?
Brock charmingly shakes his head, then waves off to a dazed and
confused Selina with his bandaged hand. He pulls out his gold
card and goes off into the Gentleman's Club. Simmering at the
goodbye scene, Esmeralda stomps up to Selina, opening her mouth
to drone.
ESMERALDA
I liked you better when you were a
mumbling catatonic. You might be able
to push around Frank, but..
Selina plucks off Esmeralda's whistle, puts it on the bar, bangs
it to pieces with her shoe, then lei-s what's left over
Esmeralda's neck.
INT./EXT. BREAK-TIME DOORWAY
Crashed out in the patch of perfect temperature of the forced
open doorway, the working women take their lunch break. Only
Selina actually eats.
WORKING WOMAN
Do you have to chew so loudly?
KELLY
Don't get angry at Selina for our
food-free diet...
DIDI
(staring off)
She's got some nerve--that Catwoman..
WORKING WOMAN
Oh, I know, if I have to see one more
news report on that show-off..Anybody
can do what she does-- it's just who
wants to, am I right? Swiping jewelry,
beating up fraternity guys..show-off.
SELINA
I don't know. I find her rebellious
spirit rather refreshing..
KELLY
She-she-she just thinks she's so
great, sashaying down the promenade,
snapping her little whip...
DIDI
(a beat)
I always wanted to do that though.
Walk down that plastic street and
just bop anybody on the nose who gave
me guff.
WOMAN WORKER
Sure was fun to see the Almighty Cult
of Good get a good ego blow. Those
guys are starting to get on my
nerves...
KELLY
Yeah, they're like the popular kids
in high school with different
costumes. Face it, we're so jealous
of Catwoman, it's disgusting..
Selina widely grins--until the shriek of Esmeralda's glistening
new whistle.
ESMERALDA
Move it...And Kyle, you're on tan
patrol...
Everyone shudders.
EXT. POOLSIDE--DAY
Poolside, Selina shuffles down a Fredricoesque line of sunbaking
Tourists splayed on lounge chairs. With industrial-size tanning
lotion, Selina unpleasantly goes from person-to-person oiling
them up. She finishes an INSUFFERABLE WOMAN ONE before moving on
to INSUFFERABLE WOMAN TWO.
INSUFFERABLE ONE
She's a disgusting, filthy beast--
and probably a feminist.
INSUFFERABLE TWO
Where does Catwoman get the right to
call herself half-a-woman?
Selina lifts up a chilled Diet Coke and pauses it over
Insufferable Two's back contemplating a pressing action.
LANE
Don't do it. She's not worth it.
The shadow of the amiable Lewis Lane shadows Selina. Wearying up
a smile, she continues down the line of Ozoned epidermis as they
speak.
SELINA
I don't know what came over me.
LANE
What is it with women and Catwoman?
Men have the courtesy to punish the
weak, but women love punishing the
strong. Don't get me wrong--this
Catwoman is a terrifying, subversive
menace to everything this community
stands for and she must be stopped.
It's just, I like her a lot.
SELINA
Yeah, she's okay.
LANE
Most articles focus on the first half
of her name--describing some feline
monster. I want the woman of
Catwoman. After all, if it was a man
dressed as a cat, the story would be
on page 23--just another loony. Oh, I
want this one. I want her bad..
AT A NEARBY OUTDOOR BAR
Kelly and other Women Workers watch the flirting duo while
pouring Sangrias. The glasses overflow and overflow but the
Female Tourists don't notice, because they're also staring with
heat-seeking stares.
LANE
shakes out of his reverie.
LANE
Sorry, I get carried away. Once I
become interested in someone, I can't
stop trying to figure them
out...Amnesia victims are
challenging..
SELINA
I actually got some memory back last
night.
LANE
How much?
SELINA
(don't want to talk about it)
Enough.
LANE
Oh now this one is mine...
Selina chuckles as they come to A SWEATY BEACHED OBESE MAN
completely concealing his chaise. Selina hands Lane the cocoa
butter and stops laughing. His hand has a sizable bandage on it.
The viewer is given a speeded-up version of the cat-bites-hand
flashback. Selina jolts back to consciousness. Lane notices her
notice his hand as he good-naturedly bastes the whale.
LANE
Oh the hand--my grandfather is
inventing a new kind of blender
and..You know, I realize I've never
officially introduced myself...I'm
Lewis Lane.
SELINA
But of course you are.
LANE
I was wondering, if you're not doing
anything tonight...
SELINA
I am. Dinner with Brock Leviathan...
LANE
Ah! Ah!--God no, don't tell me you're
one of those women who are attracted
to ruggedly handsome and brilliant
architects..
Selina chuckles until Frank steps up to her.
FRANK
There you are, you ingrateful
little..If you think I'm letting you
get away with your little one-woman
show...
LANE
(rising up behind him)
Now Frank, I know you're not hassling
your most beloved employee. And to
think I was going to do a piece on
the mystery promotion you're holding
tomorrow night..am I being subtle
enough, Frank?
FRANK
Oh, Mr. Lane, Kyle and I--we like to
razz each other once in a while. You
know how it is. All in good fun. Let
me tell you about tomorrow's
event..It's going to be amazing.
Frank and Lane walk off together. Lane turns to wave with his
bandaged hand. Selina wobbles with even more anxiety. Esmeralda's
whistle blows before she can rest her body on a chair.
INT. BAR AREA OF MAIN CASINO
The viewer's viewpoint moves down a bar snippeting from various
conversations of the bundled up tourists.
BANK PREZ TALKING TO BIMBO
..catch her in a big, bear trap and
leave her out there for the whole
city to see and learn from..
PROPER WOMAN TO HUSBAND
..the mere thought of her is spoiling
our whole trip..
FEMALE EXEC TO SAME
Call me crazy, but if Catwoman walked
into that boardroom, we'd get the
damn day-care center...
Selina is revealed to be at the end of the bar. She picks up a
plate of drinks, then puts them down, tingling in contemplation.
Didi sets down some empties.
DIDI
Selina, are you okay?
SELINA
(quiet momentum)
It's just..They tell you, really
early on, that women are just women.
But then you hear things. Mother
lifts up a car to save her child.
One woman who won't shut up exposes
the corruption of an entire
government. You think, wow, those
extraordinary other women. But what
happens when you find out the
extraordinary isn't extraordinary.
The extraordinary is actually
ordinary-- what happens when you find
out it's you. All along it was you..
DIDI
(lost in space)
I can't believe you're going out with
Brock Leviathan--Hey, who let that
cat in here?
The oh-so-familiar black cat is in the middle of an exquisitely
royal stroll across the casino carpet. A grotesque FEMALE CAT
HATER sours her face down at the passing pussy and gives it a
kick into the air.
FEMALE CAT HATER
Oh, how awful--a cat.
Unfazed, the black cat lands on its feet by a staircase. It
scampers up.
INT. FLOOR OF HOTEL ROOMS--DAY
Clambering up to a Fun Palace hotel floor, the Black Cat goes by
an open door. The Painfully Demanding Tourist Woman seethes over
Kelly, who is on her knees on a white carpet.
PAINFULLY DEMANDING TOURIST
Oh, the incompetence of you people--
you're not looking close enough.
Closer! It's a spot and it's
unacceptable! When I come to
Oasisburg, I demand..
The cat continues past a closed door that Frank stands outside of
talking to a Male Staffer.
FRANK
Animal's been in there for a month.
Tomorrow, I'll just call the
police...
The viewer's viewpoint goes through the door.
INT. DARK HOTEL ROOM
A GARGANTUAN, VERY DEPRESSED WOMAN is crashed on a bed covered by
a forest of discarded food wrappers. She zombies to two TVs
simultaneously. She changes channels until both show footage of
Catwoman.
EXT. ALLEY OUTSIDE THE FUN PALACE
Sauntering through the Palace's sliding backdoors, the Black Cat
moves down the alley, past the familiar hole. The viewer bobs
down inside...
INT. THE HIDEOUT OF THE CULT OF GOOD
The superheroes take their positions around the circular table.
They begin beating their drums--until Cactus angrily tosses his
away.
CACTUS
God-damn..
CAPTAIN GOD
What did you say?
CACTUS
Sorry man, I didn't mean that
personally...
CAPTAIN GOD
I know how you feel, humiliated in
the hands of a woman. I'd rather eat
my soul on a paper plate...
ADONIS
Yeah-sure, whatever you say, Captain---
but I say we leave this Catwoman a-
lone. As far as I'm concerned, she
can have Oasisburg as a litter box.
We're out of here tomorrow night
anyway...Who needs the aggravation?
MAMMOTH
(own world)
Yesterday, I found a rock.
SPOOKY
Not now, Mammoth. Adonis is right.
We've had a good run here--the
protection kickbacks from the crime
syndicates, the merchandising scams--
Tomorrow night we have a big,
violent, complicated and lucrative
mission to pull off. We chould be
resting up.
CACTUS
Resting Up? Sorry Spooky, I've got to
go with God on this one. I hate to
think we're just in this for the
money. Garfield's girlfriend crossed
a line last night and she's got to
get spayed. We're going out of
Oasisburg on a win.
CAPTAIN GOD
O loyal and lethal Warriors of true
fierce force and MIGHT. Let us taste
blood of feline and female on this
sweet NIGHT.
The heroes pick up their drums and begin beating them. The
viewer's viewpoint rises...
EXT. MAIN STREET
The cat is caught up to, skittering down Main Street beneath a
disgraceful poster of a too-well-endowed Nurse in an
advertisement for Breast Implants ("Buy Two get One free"). The
cat then dips beneath a golf cart outside a garage.
TWO MECHANICS are pretending to look under the hood of the cart,
bursting with suppressed laughter. They are obviously bamboozling
a painfully suspicious FEMALE DRIVER.
MECHANIC
Oh, oh, this is bad. It looks like
you're going to need a new, a new...
"Goalpost" switch. Yeah, a "Goalpost"
switch.
FEMALE DRIVER
A what? How much is...
The cat keeps trotting. A SWEET GEN-X WOMAN bursts from a
restaurant in tears. Her GRUNGIE NOW-EX-BOYFRIEND follows out to
"comfort."
GRUNGIE EX-BOYFRIEND
Trust me, babe. It's for the best. I
know you better than you do and you
deserve someone better than me..
SWEET WOMAN
But just yesterday, you even talked
about getting married...
YUPPIE EX-BOYFRIEND
Hi, Tricia.
A YUPPIE EX-BOYFRIEND parks his pretentious luxury golf-cart and
gives it an alarm squeak. The mere sight of him causes the Sweet
Gen-X woman to whimper off into the street where she is almost
hit by a newspaper truck promoting Catwoman.
YUPPIE EX-BOYFRIEND
Just dumped her? She takes it hard,
doesn't she?
GRUNGIE EX-BOYFRIEND
Sure does. Wow, what a coincidence--
Two guys of different social
backgrounds having gone out with the
same chick.
YUPPIE EX-BOYFRIEND
Hey, how many times did you "date"
her, before you cut her loose?
GRUNGIE EX-BOYFRIEND
Eight.
YUPPIE EX-BOYFRIEND
Eight! Me, too! Let me buy you a
beer...
The cat hops up onto a steel girder that gets pulled up into the
air by a construction crane. The girder and the airborne kitty
pass a window in which a VERY NERVOUS WOMAN is watching
television.
INT. THE APARTMENT OF THE VERY NERVOUS WOMAN
She is watching Catwoman coverage. Her phone rings. With a gulp,
she picks up.
STALKER'S VOICE
It's me. What are you thinking about?
Your breathing sounds so nice...
INT. APARTMENT ACROSS THE WAY
The STALKER himself is revealed to be watching through a
telescope from across the way. Photographs of the Nervous Woman
are pinned all over his wall.
STALKER
Is it just me or does the restraining
order make everything so much more
exciting...
EXT. OUTSIDE THE BUILDING
The girder comes to a landing before a school. The cat hops
off...
INT. CLASSROOM
The black cat moseys across a classroom window sill. Inside,
THREE BRIGHT FEMALE STUDENTS have their hands raised. The MALE
TEACHER gives them a dismissive glance.
MALE TEACHER
Anybody else? For pete's sake, what is
it with you girls and chemistry? Must
remind you of cooking up recipes--
That's it, isn't it?
The Three Bright Female Students lower their hands, sadly
annoyed.
EXT. OUTSIDE THE SCHOOL--DAY
The cat sprints away from the school and into the back of a pick-
up golf cart where a vaguely WORKING CLASS COUPLE pulld away from
a stop-light. The Working-Class Husband is hauling a nice-but-not-
too-nice dress from a shopping bag.
WORKING CLASS HUSBAND
This is a joke, right?
WORKING CLASS WIFE
Now honey, it was on sale and I used
my savings...
WORKING CLASS HUSBAND
Yeah, your savings out of my
earnings! What's wrong with the
sweatpants I bought you? For a big
woman you got a small brain, Fetch!
The Working Class husband flings the dress into the middle of the
road. The WC Wife (in sweatpants) bounds from the cart to
retrieve it. He revs away, leaving her stranded.
The black cat ambles up behind her, tugging the dress with its
mouth. The Wife ruefully smiles, takes the dress, and pets the
cat. The cat turns and sashays off the road....toward the very
familiar Hut.
INT. HUT--DUSK
Using a grinding stone, Selina is buzzing her pristine ballerina
figurines, one by one, into very strange and sharp knick-knacks
of unknown purpose. She has a long sheet bibbed around her neck.
The entering black cat nestles herself by her lotus-positioned
caretaker.
SELINA
See anything interesting out
there...If they only knew...
MONTAGE OF CLOSE-UPS IN LIMBO
Different closets open in the same vivid motion. Sewing machines
wildly rumble across a bizarre array of fabric. Various cats
cower at the frenetic off-screen behavior of their owners.
Kitchen drawers are ripped open to reveal shiny, would-be
weaponry. The tops of clothes hangers are contorted to make claw-
glove fingernails. An army of eyes open in intense mascara.
SELINA (V.O.)
If they only knew it takes as much
energy not do something as it does to
do somethin--so if it takes the same
amount of energy, why not do
something..why not, even if it's just
for a night, why not get a little
wicked...All that energy used to put
up walls could be used to bring a
couple down.
EXT. OUTSIDE THE HUT--DUSK
The working hands blend to Selina's banging in an outrageously
cool motor into the Mexican Hag's once rickety scooter. It has
been remodulated into a slick, black beauty of raw power. Selina
gives it a buff with her bib, smiling down to her approving cat.
SELINA
Nice, huh? I've strived to be someone
who doesn't talk to their cat, but
you're the only who understands. So.
I've met a fascinating, charming
successful man. And I've met a man
who pretends to be all these things,
but who, deep down, is really one of
the great sadistic psychopaths of our
time. If I only knew which one was
which. I hate dating.
Selina takes off the sheet bib. She is dressed to the tens.
INT. SELINA'S BEDROOM--DUSK
A claw draws shut a curtain over the sight of the departing-for-
date Selina.
EXT. OUTDOOR CAFE--NIGHT
Selina and Brock share a breezy chuckle at a perfect outdoor
cafe.
SELINA
You designed Gotham Plaza? The big
silver guys pulling on those big
silver things...
BROCK
What did you think?
SELINA
Oh, it's superb--I mean if you like
that fascist nightmare kind of
thing...
BROCK
Hey, hey, the client comes first. You
think I want my future children to
know their Daddy created Frank's Fun
Palace?
SELINA
I checked out your stuff at the
library. Awesome work, really. Why
would someone like you want to go out
with a...with a..what exactly am I,
again?
BROCK
You're very special. Selina, I'm not
a very good liar. I feel very
strongly about you...forgive me use
of architecture metaphors, but I
instantly know a good foundation when
I see one..
The winds suddenly kick up in sexy, scary Santa-Ana-style. Brock
snaps a billowing away napkin with his bandaged hand.
BROCK
I despise these kind of winds. Sorry,
I guess I'm a little on edge. Seems
this Catwoman has everyone, men and
women, on edge. Don't you feel
Catwoman says something about the
duality of all men and women...
SELINA
(big speech)
Stop. We are not having a "duality"
conversation. "Ooh, he has a secret
side. Ooh, she has a dark side."
Please. Duality is a joke. You get
one, do you understand me? You get one
life. One shot. I'm so tired of women
saying "I have an inner strength" or
"Deep down, I'm really ambitious."
"One day I'll design my own line of
clothing and write children's
stories, if I can only remember to
return the videos I rented last
night." If you are something, then
you better be out there doing
something. You need to be the same
bold thing in the day that you are at
night--with maybe a slight clothing
change. There is no gray area. The
truth is not somewhere in between.
There are two sides to every
personality, all right--the
reality...and the lie. We are not
having a "duality" conversation.
BROCK
(a beat)
So, did you see "Seinfeld" last week?
That Kramer-guy really makes me
laugh.
Selina and Brock break into a tension breaking chuckle.
SELINA
I'm sorry I went off like that, I get
passionate. I--I guess I'm a
passionate person. One of those
things I had forgotten.
(pointedly)
When you were a little boy did you
want to grow up to be a superhero?
BROCK
What little boy doesn't...
(staring off)
My God...it's, it's...Catwoman.
SELINA
(not looking up from eating)
No it's not.
A crashing noise is heard. Selina turns. A DEATH ROCK CHIC
CATWOMAN WHO IS NOT CATWOMAN (the earlier seen Female Driver) is
driving her golf-cart back and forth through the shattering glass
doors of the rip-off garage. Selina floats up in a daze.
As she steps out into the street along with a concerned Brock,
more Catwomen seep out. Of every shape, size, and color--High
fashion, low fashion, no fashion. Some even have tails.
A literally PERSIAN CATWOMAN (with a veil), some ROLLER DERBY
CATWOMEN, and a CATWOMAN IN A WHEELCHAIR descend upon the Breast
Implant poster and scratch it to shreds with their homemade
claws.
A LONG, LONG BRAID OF BLACK-MANED CATWOMAN is using her hair as a
whip, swinging and stinging a circle of GANG MEMBERS. Curling
backwards from a black background, TWIN OVERWEIGHT CATWOMEN de-
camouflage to tear and shred the visors of a tourist family.
Selina then hears and sees a COPYCATWOMAN cracking a whip. She
loses it.
SELINA
A whip? Now that's going too far! Some
of these women have no shame!
BROCK
What's the matter? What are you
saying?
SELINA
Well, it's just that I would think
that the woman who is the real, non-
imitation Catwoman would be pretty
angry at some little amateur minx
stealing the whole whip idea. Really
angry.
Selina cuts off as she notices, poking out of an alley across the
street, a seriously observing LEWIS LANE IN A TRENCHCOAT. Brock
reaches over and slams down the red button of the CULT OF GOOD
Call-box. The melodic alarm suddenly comes on.
BROCK
This is insane. Let the heroes handle
it. I'd better get you home...I
should check on my warehouse to make
sure it hasn't been hit...
SELINA
(suspicious)
Your warehouse? Go on ahead--to your
"warehouse." I'll be okay...
BROCK
Are you sure?
SELINA
I'm sure.
Brock charges off. Selina narrows her eyes. She turns to see
Lewis Lane spinning into the darkness of the alley to dash off.
Selina narrows her eyes.
SELINA
Which one of you is going to go get
your helmet?
Selina bounds away, passing the Working Class Wife who has made a
Catwoman outfit out of her discarded dress. She faces a SIMILAR
CATWOMAN.
WORKING CLASS WIFE ONE
Don't tell me, you bought a simple,
inexpensive dress and your husband
flipped out...
WORKING CLASS WIFE TWO
You too; I'll beat up your husband if
you beat up mine...
The women shake hands.
INT. SPLIT SCREEN OF TWO WORKING HOMES
In a split screen, the two working class husbands open their
respective doors. A high-heeled leg greets them with a Rockette
slam that sends both men on each side of the screen collapsing
violently back into a Lazy=boy.
BOTH WORKING CLASS WOMEN
Your wife works hard. She deserves
something nice once in a while! This
didn't have to happen!
INT. BEAUTY CONTEST
A smarmy Beauty Contest Host leans to an insufferably cute
Contestant.
BEAUTY CONTEST HOST
While our remaining Contestant waits
in the Soundproof booth, let me ask
you Tiffany, "If you could re-paint
the world, what color would you
choose?"
CONTESTANT ONE
(doing sign language)
I would sell the paint and use it to
buy bread for the children of..
With screams from the off-screen audience, an ELDERLY CATWOMAN, A
PREGNANT CATWOMAN, AN ALL-RED REDHEAD CATWOMAN and of all people,
ESMERALDA IN A DR. SEUSS CAT-IN-A-HAT CATWOMAN ensemble rip down
a MISS OASISBURG banner then proceed to pummel and hair-tear all
the contestants and the yucky host.
CONTESTANT TWO nervously vibrates in the sound-proof booth,
crossing her fingers, her back obliviously turned to the
pandemonium outside. Contestant One gets slammed against the
glass causing Two to turn around. Wearing a stolen tiara,
Esmeralda-Catwoman snarls against the glass. Contestant Two
instantly faints.
INT. A DULL HOME
The WORLD'S DULLEST AMERICAN GOTHIC COUPLE are expressionlessly
watching the Beauty Contest Catwoman riot, behind TV trays. The
Dull Wife slowly stands and exits the frame.
INT. THE HOTEL ROOM OF THE GARGANTUAN WOMAN
The Gargantuan Depressed Woman heroically remotes off her TVs.
With all her might, she maneuvers a leg out of the bed with an
apocalyptic Thud.
EXT. OUTSIDE THE HUT
Catwoman races from the Hut, fully dressed. She triumphantly
vaults upon her groovy motorcycle and vrooms it to life...or not.
The motorcycle coughs to a wheezing halt. Crushed, Catwoman
slumps off, then twists around in a furious-beyond-belief feline
whine.
INT. POLICE STATION--NIGHT
THE CHIEF OF POLICE is being dragged into the worst night of his
life. He shouts into a big Dispatch microphone.
POLICE CHIEF
I need all units to the Town Square,
the conniving Catwoman has been seen
terrorizing tourists by...
(getting memo)
Correction!: Catwoman has proceeded
to the docks...I need all units to
once and for all..
(getting memo)
Correction! I think we got her now,
boys-- I have a new sighting of the
ferocious feline at...wait a
minute...
Extending his transmitter as far as he can, the Chief stretches
out to a window. Outside, Catwomen run wild in the streets.
POLICE DISPATCHER
Uh--Correction...God help us all.
Captain God.
EXT./INT. THE VAN
The Van rumbles out from an alley. The superhero crew are angry
and determined.
CAPTAIN GOD
Have we reached the epi-center?
ADONIS
Ayy! Some cat's blocking the
periscope. Somebody, give it a
swat...
THE INFRA-RED VIEW FROM THE PERISCOPE
shows a cute close-up of the content Black Cat.
EXT. MAIN STREET--OUTSIDE THE VAN--NIGHT
Cactus bangs out of the van and hops up to shout at the cat.
CACTUS
Beat it cat, or I'm going to...
Cactus makes a deadpan turn from reaching for the feline atop the
Van. His jaw drops as do the jaws of his exiting teammates.
Craning up from the Van, the viewer sees what they see. More then
ever, the street has been completely taken over by marauding
Catwomen of every kind, destroying storefronts with a delighted
lack of purpose.
A squealing trio of Helmeted Police officers run away--right into
the wall that is the Gargantuan Depressed Woman, wearing a
storeroom of black leather. The Cops collapse on impact. The Cult
of Good calmly surveys the scene.
MAMMOTH
Mammoth feel queasy.
ADONIS
I had no idea it was this bad. The
entire city has cat scratch fever.
Such disregard for our codes of
justice...
CAPTAIN GOD
Have you ever given a cat a bath? It's
not very pleasant.
(with a dark laugh)
For them.
INT. THE STALKER'S APARTMENT--NIGHT
In his strategically dark apartment, the Stalker licks his lips
and dials the phone.
THE STALKER
Hi, it's me. What are you wearing?
A feline-screech on the other line makes him wince. He looks
through his telescope. The Nervous Woman, now a Very Unnervous
Catwoman, is waving from across the street, baying into a
cordless phone.
THREE SETS OF GLOWING EYES move closer behind the
hyperventilating Stalker before emerging as attacking Catwomen.
The Stalker screams. A NUN CATWOMAN in bright red lipstick takes
the telescope off its perch...
INT. AN ABUSIVE HOUSEHOLD
An ABUSIVE HUSBAND is pushing the head down of a hunched over,
seen-in-the-first-scene Sad Woman.
ABUSIVE HUSBAND
Pick it up! I said pick it up! Pick! It!
Esmeralda-Catwoman in her new beauty contest tiara is hooking a
huge hook onto the back of the Abusive Husband's belt. She raises
a walkie-talkie.
ESMERALDA CATWOMAN
Up!
ON A BUILDING ACROSS THE WAY
A line of Catwomen tug a street-crossing Rope with all their
might.
INT. THE ABUSIVE HOUSEHOLD
The Abusive Husband is ripped up in air, through a shattering
window, and into dark oblivion.
SAD WOMAN
Please--I don't want you to hurt him.
ESMERALDA CATWOMAN
Who cares?
INT. THE POLICE STATION--NIGHT
A jello of frayed, defeated nerves, the Police Chief groans.
POLICE CHIEF
Wait a second, where did they find
the telescope? Ouch!
(another line)
Sighting of how many? No, no, not the
Fun Palace!
INT. HOTEL ROOM
The Painfully Demanding Tourist Woman lays twitching and totally
traumatized in a pool of raw sewage that has been discharged all
over the formerly-pristine white carpet. Culprits Didi, in Tabby
Tweed gear, and African-American Kelly, in all-white leather,
prance from the room down the staircase.
INT. THE CASINO AREA
Catwomen have spectacularly taken over the casino, completely
trashing the place, delightedly laying siege on the fur-coated
women and the terrified Tourist men.
All the men of the casino break into a dead heat toward the
Gentleman's Club, frantically searching for and ripping out their
gold card-keys. Most of them manage to scramble inside-- except
notably Frank, who drops his card. Didi-tabby, Kelly-Kat, and
others, descend on him just outside the door. Didi ominously
pulls out the scissors.
INT. THE GENTLEMAN'S CLUB
Frank's moans can be heard along with scratching noises against
the door. An extremely UNRELAXED LEGION OF MEN press quivering
flesh, crammed together in the moody, tacky Gentleman's Club. The
Mayor, in his pajamas, trembles amid them all.
THE MAYOR
Oasis...Oasis...It's supposed to be
an Oasis--not a place where women
dress up like pets and suddenly have
an absurd proficiency in the martial
arts.
EXT. MAIN STREET
Pumping from the Van, holding a massive hose, Mammoth fires an
elongated ocean into the Catwomen. Like all cats, the ferocious
pounding of water drives them into shrieking insanity.
CAPTAIN GOD
Works for me.
ADONIS
I don't know about you, guys, but I'm
getting a little buzz off this.
CACTUS
Yeah, this is better than rape.
SPOOKY
(wincing)
Cactus, sometimes you don't deserve
to wear our logo.
CACTUS
Touchy. Look everybody, it's Casper,
the friendly crimefighter...
INT. THE CASINO AREA
The Female Cat Hater sees our favorite black cat prancing across
the carpet. She cringes her eyes shut and rears back for a kick.
FEMALE CAT HATER
Oh, how I hate...
She kicks forward and opens her eyes. The Catwoman is lying in
the cat's place, effortlessly pawing the Cat Hater's foot.
FEMALE CAT HATER
You wouldn't hit a woman?
Catwoman flips the Cat Hater over the bar with a crash. Catwoman
then springs up into a standing position. A TEAM OF SECURITY MEN
IN BLAZERS race forward reaching for their guns. Catwoman
fiercely flings her shaved and sharpened ballerina figurines.
They pierce into the guards' hands causing them to dump their
weapons and fall to their knees.
Catwoman glowers ahead to the sight and sound of the Copycatwoman
cracking her whip in the distance. Catwoman bounds forward into
the air--she uses the shoulders of the wailing, kneeling Security
Men as stepping stones.
The Copycatwoman swings back her whip, about to crack it.
Selina's whip wraps around hers and she gets yanked back, her
spine slamming into the real Catwoman's chest.
CATWOMAN
Every woman can be a Catwoman. But
the whip thing is mine. Got it?
COPYCATWOMAN
I don't see why everyone can't just..
Catwoman cuts her off with a cat-shriek that sends Copycatwoman
running away whimpering. Real Catwoman smiles down to the sight
of a nervously shaking Frank tied into a stretched position in
four directions across a craps table. A round hole in his shirt
has been scissored out. His hairy, pot-belly hangs out like a
popped but unwiped pimple.
Catwoman then comes to the sight of the Sweet Gen-X girl who was
dumped on the street. She has catted herself up in a shredded
wedding dress. She is holding a pipe over a large pleading,
kneeling construction worker's head.
CONSTRUCTION WORKER
Come on, just because I whistled at
some girl, I have to be savagely
beaten? It's not my fault, I was never
taught to adequately appreciate
women..
CATBRIDE
Okay, I'll just hit you once.
CONSTRUCTION WORKER
Thank you.
Catbride clangs him to the ground. A FRIGHTENED ACCOUNTANT tries
to crawl past. Catbride is ready to bonk him when Catwoman
intervenes.
CATWOMAN
Take it easy, tiger.
CATBRIDE
I've been dumped by two supposedly
serious boyfriends in the last month!
Don't tell me to take it easy..
CATWOMAN
Hey, hey, there are bigger problems
for women that the stupidity and
cruelty of men.
CATBRIDE
Name two.
Catbride springs forward tackling a FLEEING MAN three times her
size and begins tearing at him. Laughing, Catwoman hauls her off.
Suddenly, two sets of POLICE OFFICERS (one set led by the Chief)
converge from opposite directions, pulling out their guns. In one
spectacular move, Catwoman simultaneously swings back her arms
and cracks both her whips into the opposing lead cops, stinging
them to the ground. Everybody else retreats in terror.
Didi-Tabby, Kelly-Kat, and all other Catwomen wobble forth in
awe, to lay at the feet of the master. Since our Catwoman is the
only one who makes an effort to speak in a slightly different
voice, she is unnoticed as Selina.
KELLY
It's Catwoman!
CATWOMAN
Yes. "The one and only."
DIDI-TABBY
How are we doing? Did we do okay? What
do we do now?
CATWOMAN
It seems you've all had a heck of an
evening, but you probably should quit
while you're ahead. It's getting late
and it's probably safer if everyone
just goes home and...
Catwoman turns to a portable radio on the ground.
DJ OINK (RADIO)
You got Oink Jackson on WPIG and I
never thought I'd say this, but I've
found a group of people more annoying
and worthless than women-- Catwomen!
CATWOMAN
On second thought, who's up for a
nightcap?
INT. THE RADIO STATION--NIGHT
DJ Pig stands and sneers into a big Mike.
DJ PIG
The whole city is in a panic over
those chicks and I say Puh-leeze! You
wanna see a hundred angry and twisted
women, talk to my ex-wives. As for
the whining, pathetic X-chromosomes
catting around tonight-- fill in the
missing letter P..M--- Oh, we have a
caller...
CATWOMAN'S VOICE
Oh Oink, I've finally found a man
with the courage to tell the truth
about women...
EXT. SOUTH MAIN STREET
Catwoman is comically leaned in a phone booth, other Catwomen
tightly surrounding the glass.
CATWOMAN
I'd really love to discuss the
subject further--what's your
address...
EXT. NORTH MAIN STREET
The Water is squeezed off. In a brutal follow-up march down the
street, the Superheroes hoist up incredibly cool tranquilizer
guns and fire away with remarkable Inhumane Society skill at the
soaked, frazzled felines.
The familiar faces get blasted from liberated euphoria to instant
falling coma--the hair-as-a-whip Cat, the Twin Overweight
Catwomen, the Persian, the Wheelchaired Catwoman, along with some
new ones: A HOMELESS TOMCATWOMAN. A HAIRLESS CATWOMAN.
A CAT-TATOO-COVERED MARDI-GRAS BIKINIED CATWOMAN, A MIDGET
CATWOMAN, A DRESS-FOR-SUCCESSED CATWOMAN.
MAMMOTH
A hunting we will go, a hunting we
will go...
ADONIS
Ah, Cats. Now and Forever.
CACTUS
(Elmer Fudd)
Be verwy, verwy, quiet; I'm hunting
Catwomen.
SPOOKY
Cactus, watch out for that Siamese
behind you...
Cactus turns to SIAMESE TWIN CATWOMEN behind him, tucked into the
same Siamese fur-resembling outfit. He fires a dart between them,
sending them both crumbling.
Last but Most, Adonis fires a dart at the thudding forward
Gargantuan Catwoman. She keeps thudding forward. The rest of the
superheroes fire their weapons. She keeps thudding...then
savagely timbers to the ground. The Cult of Good sigh in relief.
CAPTAIN GOD
The Tranquilizer Tranquility will
hold for about an hour..where is she?
These women are out here on a lark--
Ladies Night at a discotheque. It's
not in their blood the way it is for
Catwoman...Where is she?
SPOOKY
I hate it when you get like this.
This Catwoman is becoming an
obsession. I say we call it a night.
Tomorrow is a big day for us...
CAPTAIN GOD
What's the matter with you, Spooky,
my most trusted comrade? We are
warriors! These are the challenges we
live for!
CACTUS
Oh mon Capitaine, you might want to
come over here...
Cactus stands by a golf cart with its radio blaring.
DJ OINK (RADIO)
Oh you hot tease, what kind of
surprise do you have for me?
CATWOMAN (RADIO)
Now if I told you, it wouldn't be
a...
DJ OINK (RADIO)
Don't say anymore, babe. Just bring
it on, bring it on...
CAPTAIN GOD
I recognize that purr
anywhere...Let's do some good.
EXT. AN OASISBURG ROOFTOP
The familiar Catwomen from the casino plow from a rooftop door.
On the rooftop across from them towers a neon antennae blazing
WPIG. Commandeered by Catwoman, the Catwomen extend out a wide
wooden plank to connect up the two buildings. Catwoman catches
sight of the earlier-seen High School Girls adorably dressed as
matching kitties. Catwoman gets stern.
CATWOMAN
Wait, wait, you three. You're not
cats, you're kittens, go home.
HIGH-SCHOOL GIRL KITTENS
No way, all we did was soap our
sexist science teacher's car. We're
still hungry...
Giggling, the kittens scamper across the wooden plank. Just then,
Adonis whooshes up between the two buildings in his jet-pack,
cradling DJ Oink in his arms.
DJ OINK
So long, suckers...
THE KITTENS
Catwoman!
Just as the Catwomen angrily process the sight of the fleeing
D.J., they look out across to the opposite roof. Mammoth has
emerged and is slamming a pick-axe down at the High School
Kittens, who are all futilely rolling across the rooftop trying
not to get impaled.
MAMMOTH
Kitties...Kitties...
CATWOMAN
Come on, Catwomen...!
Catwoman turns to see the rest of the crew wagging away in fear
through the rooftop door. Catwoman sighs.
EXT. RADIO STATION ROOFTOP
Mammoth has one of the kittens cornered. He comes down hard with
his pick-axe. Catwoman whip-wraps the pick-axe and tears it away.
She then hurls another squadron of her sharp ballerina figurines.
They stick harmlessly into Mammoth's boosted-up shield. She whips
lifelessly against the shield as Mammoth fe-fi-fo-fums forward.
The women go into a football-style huddle. They break with a
simultaneous hand-clap. They all charge Mammoth at once,
pounding, leaping, tearing onto him, despite his shield. He tips,
tips back. Over the edge. He grips up with one hand. His shield
falls.
EXT. THE STREET BELOW--NIGHT
The earlier-seen Grungie Ex-Boyfriend and Yuppie Ex-Boyfriend
accidentally run into a face-to-face recognition.
BOTH MEN
Hey, you're the guy who...
The ex-boyfriends simultaneously look up and get plastered by the
falling invisible shield, crushing them below frame. The Catbride
strolls up and smiles down to her crumpled Ex-es.
CATBRIDE
Wow, what a coincidence--two guys of
different social backgrounds getting
nailed into the ground by the same
piece of multi-strength plexiglass.
EXT. THE ROOFTOP--NIGHT
Mammoth hangs by his fingertips, looking up with baby eyes. All
the girls melt.
MAMMOTH
Mammoth no want to die. Help Mammoth
please.
HIGH SCHOOL KITTEN
Oh...Poor little guy...
CATWOMAN
Ah, my adorable kittens. Word of
advice. When choosing between you
and the person who wants to hurt you.
Choose you! Kill Baldy!
After a millisecond of contemplation, with baby cougar rage, the
girls all wildly stomp on Mammoth's hand. He drops with a howl.
EXT. STREET LEVEL
Moaning Mammoth crashes down atop the yuppie's BMW golf cart,
demolishing it to dust, but setting off its annoying cart alarm.
EXT. THE ROOFTOP
Catwoman lowers the Kittens onto a fire escape.
CATWOMAN
Scoot...
HIGH SCHOOL KITTEN
Thank you, Catwoman. Sorry for not
listening to you before..
CATWOMAN
(mock-unsentimental)
Go on, get out of here...
CAPTAIN GOD
So sweet. Protecting your litter. You
can't tell, but I'm smiling.
Captain God pleasantly traipses across the roof toward Selina. No
Hurry. As they speak, they curiously circle each other, before
relaxing into a closer and closer standing position at the edge
of the roof, like honeymooners by the rail of a cruise ship.
CAPTAIN GOD
Hasn't anyone ever taught you that
fighting violence with violence
solves nothing.
CATWOMAN
It's a lot more fun than fighting
violence with pamphlets. That
voicebox of yours is a hoot. Say "I'm
wearing no underwear"--it'll be
funny..
(getting serious)
You do know you're evil, don't you?
CAPTAIN GOD
A superhero's job is to protect
society. Don't blame me if society
is a horrible, corrupt joke.
CATWOMAN
(imitating him)
"A superhero's job is to protect.."
Sorry, I can't take you seriously...I
overheard you say that tomorrow the
Cult of Good will be dead--I should
be so lucky--what did that mean?
CAPTAIN GOD
My, those little ears pick up a lot.
The Cult of Good will die heroically
preventing a world-class heist. Since
we will be the ones performing the
heist, our deaths will obviously be
fake. But have no fear. There will be
many other deaths tomorrow...and
those will be quite real. I'm afraid
these questions of yours put you in a
position not unlike a long-tailed
tabby in room full of rocking chairs.
CATWOMAN
Oh please, sir, one more. Are you the
reporter or the architect?
CAPTAIN GOD
Yes. I am the reporter or the
architect.
(regarding outfit)
You've been through so much..It looks
like you've used up all nine of your
lives...
CATWOMAN
I still have one left...
CAPTAIN GOD
You think so?...Selina?
CATWOMAN
You've seen me...
Captain God suddenly savagely slams his power glove around
Catwoman's throat in a completely incapacitating strangle. In her
death throes, Catwoman's disoriented POV has the Captain's Helmet
do a fantasy dissolve to reveal Brock Leviathan, wearing the rest
of the uniform, seething in his own voice.
BROCK AS CAPTAIN GOD
The world has demanded that men get
in touch with their feelings. That we
look deep inside ourselves. Well, we
have! And you're not going to like
what we have found! You expected us to
soften. To become more human. The New
Male. The New Male is like the metric
system. It will never happen here!
Catwoman's POV does a wobble and suddenly it's a helmetless Lewis
Lane, who is strangling and snarling.
LEWIS LANE AS CAPTAIN GOD
You tried to weaken us. Sap our
energy. And it almost worked. Men
realize more than ever we have to go
for the win. Whatever you said we
were too much of, we have to become
more of. Violent. Domineering.
Uncaring. We're taking back lost
ground!
EXT. THE ROOFTOP ACROSS THE WAY
A SPECTACULARLY, FLAMBOYANTLY DONE UP CATWOMAN, which the savvy
viewer will be able to discern as Selina's Mom, is slinking
across the roof across the way with a grand bow and arrow. She
raises it up.
EXT. THE ROOFTOP--NIGHT
Back to complete reality, mystery man Captain God "kisses" the
temple of the life-drained Catwoman, still taunting through his
voicebox.
CAPTAIN GOD
The great thing is that even as I
kill you, you find me more attractive
than ever. You like the danger, the
power, the mystery of my cruelty...
A bolt arrow slams through the power glove with a nasty spark.
Staggering back, Captain God unleashes Catwoman's throat in
(amusing-through-the-voice-box) outraged agony. Gasping, Catwoman,
heels God in the knee, crippling him, then does a 360 spin kick
into his bonging neck. She dashes to the edge of the roof to see
Spectacular Catwoman zipping away.
CATWOMAN
Ma?
Captain God aches upward. Catwoman runs over him like carpet and
pounds to the fire escape. God rasps into his wrist.
CAPTAIN GOD
She's coming down.
Captain God re-collapses.
EXT. MAIN STREET
In his hearty jet-pack, Adonis streams over the tranquil street
strewn with the tranquilized Catwomen. He smiles over his evening
accomplishments. His POV passes Catwoman standing placidly in an
alley. He reverse-floats back. She is waving.
ADONIS
Here, kitty, kitty..
Adonis thunders forward full-throttle right at a completely
unmoving Catwoman in the narrow alley. The viewer gets his
rocketing POV--until the POV suddenly stops in mid-air with an
outrageous crashing sound. Another view reveals that Adonis has
crashed smack dab into Mammoth's shield, which has been wedged
into the mouth of the alley.
Adonis crashes back onto his pack. Didi-Tabby, Kelly-Kat, the
High School Kittens, and the Catbride emerge from hiding
positions to congratulate. Catwoman tosses away the shield.
Achingly smitten despite her recent empowerment, Didi-tabby sighs
down to the sleeping Adonis. She bestows him a kiss, at first
sheepishly, then hilsriously vigorously. Catwoman shakes her head
in disappointment.
CATWOMAN
Oh, Didi...
DIDI-TABBY
Sorry. Hey, how did you know my name?
CACTUS
Yee-ha! Looks like this town ain't big
enough for the both of us, pardner!
Cactus takes a Dodge City pose at the end of the catwomen-
cluttered street. He loads a missile in his cannon-arm. Didi-
tabby scurries to a busted window sporting goods store, rips up a
small tennis ball machine, and hurls it to Catwoman, who catches
it with one arm, without looking. Her mega-coolness crumbles when
she realizes what she caught.
CATWOMAN
Tennis ball machine?
DIDI-TABBY
I tried.
CATWOMAN
A big gun would be nice.
Didi-tabby sheepishly shrugs her shoulders. Making the best,
Catwoman turns to Cactus. They do a traditional gunslinger walk
toward each other down the street, holding their unorthodox
weapons at their side. They dramatically stop.
CACTUS
Last words?
CATWOMAN
Hakkuna Matata. Means no worries.
CACTUS
I know what Hakkuna Matata means,
you..
They both "draw." Catwoman Eastwoods a tennis ball perfectly into
the mouth of Cactus's cannon with a loud thunking noise. He tries
to bang it out.
CACTUS
No, no, it's clogging...it's
Cactus holds his machinery-arm away from himself with howling
panic. It erupts, sending the rest of his body flying against a
wall. Catwoman turns from the sight, to the viewer.
CATWOMAN
"Dat's gotta hurt."
Catwoman high-fives the surrounding Catwomen. Their joy is short-
lived as Spooky, with too-fast-to-fast-to-register speed, thwacks
everyone but the original catwoman to the ground with her trusty
spear. It replaces itself into its small white-box holder.
CATWOMAN
Hello, Spooky.
SPOOKY
I don't want to hurt you, Catwoman.
Yet. After tomorrow, you can do
anything you want, but please, just
stay out of sight for the next 24
hours. I won't stand by and watch my
leader get all emotional over an
animal like you. I warn you, don't
tempt Captain God when he is angry.
Let is complete our mission in peace.
CATWOMAN
Whatever you say...Sis.
Spooky slightly double-takes at the last syllable--then charges
into the night. All at once, the streetful of Catwomen behind
Catwoman rouse from their forced hibernation. They individually
drift off in eerie silence.
INT. THE INCREDIBLY DULL HOME
The Dull Wife comes back into the frame and re-sits behind her TV
Tray, unnoticed by her dull husband. She has a bandage on her
forehead--and a barely perceptible smile.
EXT. OUTSIDE THE HUT--DAY
As if in the throes of a bad hangover, Selina rustles out from
her Hut. She freaks up at the sight of Lewis Lane strolling from
a parked golf cart.
LANE
Good morning.
SELINA
Ah! You scared me! How did you know to
come here! Have you been spying..
LANE
(sneezing)
No, of course not. You're listed. Not
the hut, exactly, but the rest of..
SELINA
Well. I'd let you come in, but the
place is a mess...
For comical effect, the viewer gets a view of the couple out
through the open door of the creepy lair.
SELINA
Next time, call...
LANE
I thought you'd like a ride to work.
(heavy sneezing)
You don't own a cat, do you?
As Lane turns toward his cart, Detective Selina mischievously
calls out.
SELINA
Hey, Captain God!
LANE
(turning around)
What did--?
SELINA
You turned around!
LANE
Yes, you shouted the words "Captain
God" at me for no reason...
SELINA
Oh, do you turn around every time
somebody just shouts at you?
LANE
Actually, yes.
Selina nods, not really knowing if she just proved something,
then knowing she didn't prove anything. Head down, she stomps to
the cart.
EXT. STREETS OF OASISBURG
Still suspicious as hell and who can blame her, Selina warily
watches her driver as they putter a side-street. Both are in
groovy sunglasses.
SELINA
Did you try to kill...
LANE
What?
SELINA
Nothing. How's your hand?
LANE
About the same. Thanks for
asking...Damn blender.
(a beat)
Okay, I can't stand it anymore, I'm
dying to know--Did you try on some
whiskers last night and hit a 7-11
along with all those other women?
You had to have thought about it--a
Catwoman for a night?
SELINA
(under her breath)
Like you don't know...
LANE
I'm having a hard time picking up
your signal this morning--What did
you say?
SELINA
I said I saw you last night. What
were you doing hiding in that alley,
running off when the superhero alarm
sounded...
LANE
I was doing my job. At the risk of
sounding egotistical, I didn't become
the best reporter in the world
sitting by the phone. I was chasing
tail all night--I was not spying,
intentionally, on your hot and heavy
date with "Brock Leviathan,
architect."
(a beat)
I can't believe he ordered white
wine. You do know white wine is not
real wine...
SELINA
Hey, I thought...
The Cart turns a corner onto Main Street and Selina cuts off.
Like war-torn refugees fleeing their homeland, a Zhivagoesque
parade of Tourists rumble down the street with their suitcases.
The Painfully Demanding Tourist Woman, still covered in sewage,
zombie-walks, tugging wheeled Gucci.
LANE
I'm afraid last night was the last
straw of our city's tourists. The
Mayor, in his finite wisdom, is
throwing a "Month of the Woman"
luncheon ball for the public this
afternoon to try and calm everyone
down. I thought maybe you and I
could...
SELINA
(end of her rope)
Go together? Sure, why not? Another
date with someone who could be an
insane messenger of death for all I
know. No offense. Hey, lean over, let
me smell your breath..Say
in a deep voice, "A superhero's job
is to protect..."
LANE
You're scaring me, Selina.
(a suave beat)
Do it some more.
Selina stares deeply into Lewis Lane's eyes, trying to get a
reading. She breaks her stare with a surrendering laugh.
SELINA
I give up. I give up.--I can't figure
you out. Not gonna try.
LANE
You can't figure me out. You're the
strange one..
SELINA
You are...
LANE
Uh-huh..
It seems as if they are going to kiss. Then Lane sneezes. Selina
laughs as the cart chugs up to the Fun Palace.
INT. MAIN AREA OF THE FUN PALACE
The regular casino tables have been completely cleared out.
Workers (and a chamber orchestra) are setting up for a banquet-
type event. An entering Selina watches Lane walk over and shake
hands with the Mayor and Frank, pulling out a notepad. A MONTH OF
THE WOMAN banner is raised up...
MAYOR
(way nervous)
It'll work. It'll..Thanks for coming,
Lewis. I think this little event will
turn things around for the gals.
Don't you? Don't you think? The
Tourists will return, right? Right?
LANE
I'd probably refrain from using the
word "gals." At least, until things
calm down.
MAYOR
Good thinking. The Cult should be
here for this...
Out of his pocket, the Mayor presses a portable version of the
big red Cult of Good call-button.
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL FIELD
The CIVILIAN CACTUS is a brutal high-school football coach,
bellowing down to line of PLAYERS doing push-ups. He wears a fake
cast to cover his lack of arm. He pulls a beeping beeper from his
windbreaker and trudges off.
INT. A BUNCH OF LONELY OFFICE CUBICLES
THE CIVILIAN SPOOKY works a phone in a cramped office cubicle,
the height of loneliness. She pulls up a beeping beeper and exits
her space, passing by a multitude of cubicles in which OTHER
ASIAN WOMEN are toiling away in solitude.
INT. THE SET OF A FASHION SHOOT
The CIVILIAN ADONIS is a male model. Wearing barely existent
bikini briefs, he is holding up a Zima, on an all-white studio
set, before a snapping-away FLAMBOYANT PHOTOGRAPHER. Somehow
pulling a beeping beeper from the back of his briefs, he races
off the set.
EXT. THE COMFORTABLE DOORWAY--DAY
Selina and the women workers are in their familiar break-time
place, completely silent and completely at ease. They are all
eating(!) from Chinese take-out boxes passing them back and forth
to each other in wonderful syncopation (They all wear small
bandages). Didi touchingly breaks the sweet tranquility.
DIDI
Remember when you said you had
amnesia, Selina? I think I had
amnesia, too. I had forgotten that
I'm something more than a spazz.
Bandage just over her eye, Esmeralda comes into the doorway.
Everyone stiffens.
ESMERALDA
The event is starting. But you know,
no hurry, take your time. Finish
eating...You're all doing a great
job.
Esmeralda floats off. The stunned women drift back into their
bliss. Selina most blissful of all.
INT. THE MAIN AREA OF THE FUN PALACE
Doing some last-minute tugs on a simple but sophisticated dress,
Selina saunters into the polished and impressively subdued main
casino area. Upstanding citizens mill about, chatting with that
certain post-Earthquake-Riot-Mass Catwoman Attack unease.
The chamber orchestra plays something ever-so-pleasant. Couples
stiffly dance across the floor, the men a little afraid to lead.
Adonis, however, is really working the floor. Women, both
bandaged and unbandaged, satellite around him breathlessly
waiting for their turn. Didi gets a giddy turn.
Very antsy in their nice garb, most of the women are wearing some
sly form of bandage. They are very tentative around each other,
holding in a secret that is not a secret but must remain a
secret. Selina holds out a tube of cream to the bandaged Sweet
Young Woman who was last night's Catbride.
SELINA
It's very good for burns.
CIVILIAN CATBRIDE
Thanks. I was cooking last night and
you know...
SELINA
I know.
The voices of DJ Oink and a happily armless Cactus make a nails-
against-blackboard waft to Selina's ears. She turns to them
kicking back at the bar with the Mayor.
CACTUS
Oh, and they're flopping around in
the water, just squealing their
little lungs out..
DJ OINK
Women--the way they were meant to
be...Next time you got to get it on
film...
MAYOR
Now boys, let's keep everything
nice..
Selina clenches her fist and begins a simmering trek toward Oink,
when Brock touches out to her shoulder.
BROCK
Selina, did you make it home, all
right? I tried calling, but your
mother said that there was "no
extension in the Hut." Whatever that
means..
SELINA
I got home fine. How's the
"warehouse."
BROCK
Fine. You're angry. Don't be. The
important thing is we're together
now..
SELINA
(warming up)
At some sanctimonious celebration of
condescension. Nothing like appeasing
half the population with a two hour
luncheon.
BROCK
(smiling)
Exactly. I don't know what I'd do
without you.
SELINA
Uh Brock, today you are without me...
LANE
(possesively, toward Brock)
There you are darling...Have we met,
Lewis Lane, Oasisburg Times.
BROCK
(sparring)
Oh, how long have you had your own
route?
LANE
(re-sparring)
Can I just say what a classy touch
the neon urinals are, Mr. Architect? I
just love risking electrocution every
time I..
Selina drifts from the increasingly unsubtle macho stand-off...to
Spooky leaning alone against a pillar.
SELINA
What's a powerful man like you
standing all alone for? Dance with me?
SPOOKY
I'm sorry, Miss, one of us needs to
keep surveillance...
SELINA
Oh pooh, come now. If you turn me
down, I just might throw a fit..you
know how us girls can be..
Selina takes Spooky's hand and tugs her amid the other couples.
The supremely robust superhero is now awkwardly trembling
klutz...but she calms as Selina's arms slide around her. As they
speak, their meandering takes on a voluptuous rhythm.
SELINA
What's it like being a superhero? It
must be frightfully exciting..How did
you guys all get together?
SPOOKY
We met on the Internet. The Captain
put out a cryptic message calling for
a new order of crimefighters. We
don't even know each other's true
identities...
Brock and Lane stand together, staring a little dumbfounded at
the perversely electrifying couple on the floor. Selina spins
into a sultry lean-back against a masculinely receptive Spooky.
Losing her superhero stiffness, Spooky lets herself get into the
groove.
SELINA
You seem sad, Spooky.
SPOOKY
I'm not sad, no, I owe the Captain my
life. It's just you think you want to
help prevent crime, but you realize
that's too complicated. It's a lot
more fun to punish crime. Then after
a while, you don't care what's a
crime and what's not, what you became
a Warrior for. You just want the
kicks. The rush.
SELINA
The kicks..the rush..you mean, like
pulling heists..faking your own
deaths..killing innocent
bystanders...like Mexican angels.
(a whisper)
I know you're a woman. Do you?
Spooked, Spooky stops dancing. She backs away through the crowd.
At an elevated podium, the Mayor taps the microphone.
MAYOR
If I could briefly have everyone's
attention...This is the way it should
be between men and women. Nice. Just
nice. Women of Oasisburg, I hope
this Month of the Woman celebration
tells you just how wonderful we think
you gals truly are. Did I say
"gals?" Women. I hope those of you
who were.."bad" last night have got
something out of your system. Last
night's harm was not just to men--my
wife, my lovely wife, was going out
for groceries, minding her own
business, when she was brutally
attacked...A poor innocent victim..
The Mayor motions to the woman sitting down beside him. It is the
Wild-Using-Her-Hair-as-a-Whip Minx from last night, now in a
Pilgrim dress, hair demured into pony-tails. Selina and some
other women around her simultaneously cough out in suppressed
laughter.
MAYOR
We must thank the valiant efforts of
the Cult of Good, who did much to
contain the madness, especially in
light of the deaths of other
superhero teams over the past years
in St. Louis and Atlanta. As we
speak, Captain God is following up
some important leads.
Trying to get a bead, Selina glances to Lane sidling up to her,
then over across to Brock. They both smile out responding eye-
contact.
MAYOR
I'm told there's quite the solar
eclipse happening this afternoon, so
we should probably keep things
moving. No one has been more eloquent
about the nightmare facing us than
Dr. Penelope Snuggle, author of The
Catwoman Complex.
Frank pokes up, leaning to the Mike. He holds up a vivid, rainbow-
colored flyer.
FRANK
Before we bring Penny out, I just
want to remind everyone that
tonight's big mystery promotion at
the Fun Palace has not been post-
poned. I hope we can all come
together as a community and have
some, you guessed it, fun. Doctor?
PENELOPE
Thank you, Franklin. I can only hope
some lessons were learned last night.
That female power only causes
unhappiness and ugliness...
Selina rolls her eyes. She flees the offensiveness at the podium
beelining to a door marked LADIES.
INT. LADIES ROOM--DAY
Selina enters into the vast, briefly-seen-earlier bathroom lounge
area. She moves to the mirror...The Door is pushed shut behind
her. It is Spooky. Selina remains calm as she approaches.
SPOOKY
You're the One. I thought I told you
to stay hidden behind the couch, CAT!
You've torn the unit apart. You've
driven a great leader insane...
SELINA
You going to talk all day?
Pulling out her Catwoman outfit out of her seemingly too small
purse, Selina drifts into a stall. Spooky goes into another.
INT. MAIN CASINO AREA--ECLIPSE DUSK
Penelope builds to an insufferable crescendo.
PENELOPE
Let's face it, this whole "strong"
woman thing has been done to death. A
woman doesn't need to go through the
pain of "finding herself," she needs
only to be found. I say let him do
the work..Let him have all those,
what do you call them, "life
experiences." Ooh, here comes the
eclipse, don't look up.
The viewer's viewpoint tips up to a grand skylight above.
THE MOON
begins to edge before the sun.
INT. THE LADIES ROOM--ECLIPSE DUSK
Selina emerges from the stall in her Catwoman outfit at the same
time Spooky emerges. Dark hair running over her shoulders, Spooky
has taken off her hood and has unstrapped her breasts. Without
directly looking at each other, the women do some last-minute
primping in the bathroom mirror. Followed by some casual
calisthenics. Then...
SELINA
Nice breasts.
SPOOKY
Thanks.
Spooky swings out her leg for a direct hit into Catwoman's head.
Catwoman counters with an elbow to the stomach immediately
followed by the other elbow coming around to hit Spooky's bent-
over head. They expertly swat, parry, and thrust.
Sun disappearing outside the window, giving up on the admirable
martial artwork, Selina and Spooky get primal. They claw into
each other in a violent parody of their recent dance. They swing
into a spine-to-spine position grappling onto each other's
face/hair. TWO SUPERIOR SCOWLING WOMEN stroll into the lounge.
SCOWLING WOMAN
Well, well, would you look at that--
"Catwoman #1." She's not so tough.
I'm more of a Catwoman than that
poser could ever be..
SCOWLING FRIEND
Oh, I'm so sick of you thinking
you're better than everybody...I'm
a better Catwoman than either one of
you...
SCOWLING WOMAN
You want a piece of me?
The Scowling Women exchange scowls and pull Catwoman outfits from
their purses, banging into separate stalls. The Civilian version
of the Copycatwoman moseys in with a friend. She immediately
bristles at the sight of Catwoman and Spooky crashing up into the
bathroom mirror...
CIVILIAN COPYCATWOMAN
That's the bitch that stole my whip!
INT. MAIN CASINO AREA
Another crash is heard. Along with a couple well-placed
screeches. The sun coming down from the skylight begins to
completely evaporate. By some warped radar, women rise from their
tables and drift from the dance floor...toward the door of the
Ladies room.
CATWOMAN OUTFITS
are torn from purses in quick, elliptical montage.
THE MOON
is halfway over the sun.
CATWOMEN
of all kinds burst from stalls in quick montage. Finally, TWO
DESIGNER-DRESSED CATWOMEN emerge from side-by-side stalls in the
exact same outfit. They look to their own ensemble and then
over....and then angrily lunge into each other.
INT. FULL VIEW OF THE LOUNGE
The vast lounge is now crammed with raging Catwomen, both
familiar and unfamiliar. Ids hanging out, the Catwomen feed into
each other, separating themselves into violently squabbling,
scratching, clawing, bitch-slapping clusters.
Catwoman and Spooky remain the battling centerpiece.
SPOOKY
Can't you understand--I got tired of
being a woman. I wanted the respect
that only a cape, boots, chestplate,
and a mechanical spear can bring..
CATWOMAN
You're not strong. You're
scared..scared that someone like me
will see right through you.
Whatever the Cult of Good was, it's
not anymore... You don't have to
listen to me, just listen to you..
A Dress-for-Successed Executive Cat crosses claws with a
HOUSE(WIFE)CAT.
FEMALE EXEC CAT
You Housewives have no idea what we
go through!
HOUSECAT
You Career girls have no idea what we
go through.
FEMALE EXEC CAT
Did you just say "girls?"
White leathered Kelly-Kat and Didi-Tabby swing before Esmeralda
in her Tiara-ed Cat ensemble.
KELLY-KAT
Well, well, look who thinks she's a
Catwoman..
DIDI-TABBY
You're one of us when it's night, but
during the day, you're the cruelest
exploiter of all..
ESMERALDA CATWOMAN
Oh, like I'm afraid of you minimum
wage morons..
Openly screeching, the Fun Palace Trio tear into each other. A
BEAUTIFUL MODEL-CATWOMAN is fending off an attack from the Twin
Overweight Catwomen.
MODEL CATWOMAN
I don't have to apologize for my
beauty!
TWIN CATWOMAN #1
We're not asking you to apologize.
TWIN CATWOMAN #2
We're asking you to scream in pain!
A REPRESSED CATWOMAN is dunking the bikini-ed Mardi-Gras Catwoman
in the sink.
REPRESSED CATWOMAN
You're a slut!
MARDI GRAS CATWOMAN
So? What's it to you?
TWO CATWOMAN SISTERS are pounding on each other.
CAT-SISTER ONE
Sis, stop it...
CAT-SISTER TWO
Oh, the little princess can't take
it! Admit it, Mom loves you more!
CAT-SISTER ONE
Who can blame her!?!
INT. THE MAIN CASINO AREA
The rays of the sun drain away from the skylight. Completely
abandoned by the female sex, the Men in the room uncomfortably
fidget in classic "Waiting for Girlfriend to come out of the
bathroom" mode. They mosey toward each other with amiable half-
smiles.
MAYOR
Women, huh?
The men animatedly nod and mumble semi-audible approval. An
AVERAGE JOE pipes up.
AVERAGE JOE
Anybody see the game last night?
FRANK
Oh, yeah, it was excellent!
Revving into tribal ritual, the men release their tensions,
magnetizing into a robust semi-circle around the Average Joe.
AVERAGE JOE
Fourth Quarter. Pacers down by 14--
no chance, right? Wrong..
THE MOON
completely suffocates the sun in a perfect eclipse.
INT. THE LADIES ROOM
The feline frenzy continues. The Mayor's Rapunzel-Wife is back in
her savage state, violently whipping around her hair. Repressed
Catwoman and Mardi-Gras Catwoman still jostle by the sink.
REPRESSED CATWOMAN
You know men only go out with you
because of the provocative way you
dress.
MARDI GRAS CATWOMAN
At least they go out with me.
REPRESSED CATWOMAN
Men go out with me!..In theory.
MARDI-GRAS CATWOMAN
Cousins don't count.
REPRESSED CATWOMAN
Who says?
The Elderly Catwoman launches a kick into the young Cat-bride.
ELDERLY CATWOMAN
You young people have no respect!
CATBRIDE
Yeah, well--you're old!
Catwoman and Spooky ever-so-slightly halt their fisticuffs to
take in the havoc they have created. Then go back to battle.
FEMALE EXEC CAT
I'm a good mother!
HOUSECAT
You mean, "Consuela" is a good
mother..
FEMALE EXEC CAT
How did you know our nanny's name
is...Lucky guess!
HOUSECAT
What's the name of your child's best
friend?
FEMALE EXEC CAT
(a beat)
Ask me another one--
The Nun Catwoman is pinning the all-Red Redhead Catwoman to the
ground.
RED CATWOMAN
I'm telling you! I'm not your
husband's mistress! I'm a lesbian!
NUN CATWOMAN
Oh, that's just like something she'd
say.
The Twin Overweight Catwomen are shoving a club sandwich into the
Model Catwoman's mouth.
TWIN CATWOMEN
Eat!
INT. THE MAIN CASINO AREA--ECLIPSE NIGHT
In sweating, desperate denial of the hormonal explosion a door
away, the Men happily hang upon the enthusiastic yarn-ESPNing of
the Average Joe.
AVERAGE JOE
And then he misses both free throws.
Coach's on the bench, freaking out,
right? Five minutes ago, they had this
game won. And now..
Penelope Snuggle, in a snit, cuts before the men.
PENELOPE
This madness must end once and for
all...
She marches into the Lounge doors. Average Joe continues.
AVERAGE JOE
Okay, so now two seconds left--
Miller-- perfect open court steal,
runs to three point country and..
Penelope comes flying back out on her back, scratched and covered
in stray bits of fur. The men are completely silenced as she
twitches in epileptic terror.
INT. THE LADIES ROOM--ECLIPSE NIGHT
Sanity to the wind, the large, now-eerily-shadowy lounge has been
completely swallowed by the most multi-layered, full-throttle cat-
fight in the history of cinema. The women totally communicate in
cat-screeches, all human capabilities on hold.
INT. THE MAIN CASINO AREA--ECLIPSE NIGHT
At a neglected table, Lane somberly sits himself down to the side
of a cool Brock. Without looking to each other, the Men stare to
the lounge door, speaking with double meanings and impossible-to-
gauge expressions.
LANE
Women, huh?
BROCK
They do take their time. So..Selina
Kyle...
LANE
Selina Kyle...lovely person.
BROCK
She has a real spirit.
LANE
A bit on the suspicious side, don't
you think?
BROCK
She has reason to be
suspicious..Doesn't she?
LANE
I suppose she does.
Catwoman and the unmasked Spooky suddenly come careening out,
slamming right on the table, in a vicious mutual death lock. The
two men watch calmly without intervention. The female pair go
shattering out a window.
LANE
I better go report this in...
BROCK
Oh, you don't have to explain to me
where you're going...
The rest of the Catwomen tidal-wave out of the ripping-from-its-
hinges Ladies room door, taking over the floor, in a spectacular
ballet of violence. The Men gape.
EXT. OUTSIDE THE CASINO
Sprawled on their backs in a puddle glass, Spooky gives
Catwoman an "Enough already" backhand, knocking her unconscious.
Spooky dashes off.
INSIDE
The Cat-commotion rages on. Losing it, the Men rip out their gold
cards for another mad dash to the Gentleman's Club. The gridlock
proves too great, so many wailing Y-chromosomes change direction
and roar out the frenetically sliding-back-and-forth front door
into the "night."
THE MOON
eases half-way out of the sun in the longest eclipse of all time.
EXT. TOWN SQUARE--ECLIPSE NIGHT
Spooky pants into the darkened by lack-of-Sun Town Square.
Captain God is waiting for her.
SPOOKY
I want out of tonight's mission. I
can't do it anymore, Captain. I can't
let innocent people die to prove our
superiority..I can't.
CAPTAIN GOD
Just like a woman. You want out.
You're out.
Brutus and Cassius to Spooky's Caesar, Adonis and Cactus bound
from the shadows to surprise attack the exhausted Spooky. They
bash her with blunt instruments then rush back into the darkness.
Her white compact "spear" device is knocked from her person,
dribbling away down the street.
SPOOKY
Why are you--I fought for you with
honor. Why should it matter if I'm a
man or a woman, as long as I'm a good
warrior.
CAPTAIN GOD
Of course it matters! It throws off
everything! "Superhero" is manhood's
highest achievement. Manhood! Your
dirty little secret has diseased us
to the core. You were my buddy, my
comrade-- women aren't buddies, women
aren't warriors! You tried to turn the
Cult of Good into some after-work
softball team! It's time to get thrown
from the treehouse...
The other Do-Gooders charge out again, but this time she
energizes to fire her fists on the outflanked, one-armed Cactus.
One leg firmly planted, Spooky tips the rest of her body upside
down to slam Adonis to the ground with her back heel (a famous
maneuver of renowned Hong Kong actress Michelle Khan--hint,
hint).
Coming out of that show-off move, she gets hit by Captain God,
topped by a painful head-butt from his helmet.
The white "spear" object continues to roll across the pavement.
Clacking into the street, Catwoman picks it up. She looks up to
see Spooky collapse against Captain God.
SPOOKY
I loved you.
CAPTAIN GOD
I know.
Three firing sounds are heard. Spooky slumps down away from
Captain God. He lifts his smoking finger and blows it.
CACTUS
Ah, did you hear that? Spooky loved
you...
CAPTAIN GOD
Yeah...pretty gross. Hurry, we've got
work to do.
ADONIS
Freak.
As his partners rush off, Adonis pivots back to give Spooky a
last kick. Turning back around, he faces Catwoman, who angrily
slams the white device into Adonis's mouth, then leans forward in
a seething whisper.
CATWOMAN
"Spear."
A harsh twanging sound-effect, a muffled moan, and Catwoman's
blown away expression tells the viewer the Spear has just sprung
open in Adonis's mouth. Moving out for a wider glimpse, Adonis
lurches away, the spear completely bursting through both his
cheeks (Don't worry, his back is turned to the grateful viewer).
Catwoman rushes to Spooky.
CATWOMAN
I heard what you said, Spooky. I
can't believe he shot you...
SPOOKY
Men, huh?
From a pouch at her waist, Spooky tugs up a small, strange chunk
of gold and presses it into Catwoman's paw.
SPOOKY
For when the time comes..
CATWOMAN
For when the..Uh, yeah, thanks, a
little gold piece of...gold. Uh...
SPOOKY
And I...I..want you to know our
secrets..
Spooky next tugs out a computer disc and puts it in Catwoman's
baffled hand..
CATWOMAN
Oh no, not a computer disc. A
computer disc? Oh man, come on, what
do I look like? I'm not a crime-
fighter, I'm not a detective, what,
I'm supposed to find some "clues" on
this disc. I can't...
SPOOKY
The Mission is happening
tonight..It's up to you to...to save
the City...
CATWOMAN
"Save the City?" I don't want to save
the city, I want to move! Listen, I'm
sure the computer disc is pretty
fascinating and I can't thank you
enough for the little weird gold
thingie, but..
SPOOKY
You know, my name's not Spooky. It's,
it's Rachel.
CATWOMAN
Hello, Rachel. I'm Selina.
Spooky dies. Catwoman shudders. The uneclipsing Sun begins to
blaze a perfectly lined wave of light across the Town Square.
Catwoman springs away from it in terror. She runs out of the
remaining darkness of the frame. The Sun rolls completely over
Spooky's body.
EXT. OUTSIDE FRANK'S FUN PALACE
In completely silent mass-exodus, back in their messily tugged-
back-on civilian clothing, bruised on the outside and the inside,
the ex-Catwomen of Oasisburg stagger out from the Fun Palace into
the shining light. The Men of Oasisburg rise from cowering
positions on the Casino grounds. Everyone wordlessly connects up
and walks forward into the sun.
INT. LIBRARY--DAY
The sun shimmers through a big glass window of a staid library.
Casually dressed but seriously expressioned, Selina is scrunched
in a cubicle work area in glasses. She puts the disc into a
computer. The black cat watches from Selina's lap.
SELINA
Okay, what do ya got? This better be
bad.
Words vividly flash upon the screen. MISSION ONE CODENAME: THE
GATEKEEPERS OF JUSTICE LOCATION: ATLANTA.
SELINA
Mission one..the Gatekeepers of
Justice...Atlanta.
(to Cat)
I'm sorry, it's not like you can't
read it yourself.
Selina hits a button unleashing a precise stream of computer
graphics. The viewer zooms through the schematic doors of a
virtual Museum. The next imagery is of paintings disappearing off
the walls. The viewer then is drawn to the graphic of a bomb in
the mock-Museum. The virtually created Museum blows up. Spooky's
voice takes everyone through it.
SPOOKY'S VOICE
Report attack on Museum. Steal
artwork yourself. Blow up everything
including you. Press C for museum
blueprint, press D for security
system access codes...
SELINA
Okay, okay..How spooky..Let's see
what's in the next chapter..
More enigmatic words. MISSION #2 CODENAME: THE AWESOME POWER
SQUAD LOCATION: ST. LOUIS. A rush of images move over Selina's
glasses.
SELINA
Same drill with a bank..steal
everything then blow it up. Dare I
say the words, "I see a pattern."
The next words are MISSION #3 CODENAME: CULT OF GOOD LOCATION:
OASISBURG.
SELINA
I really, really, see a pattern.
The next images are scrambled up.
SELINA
No fair! Must come on-line at the time
of the mission, but we don't have the
time, Miss Kitty. Something's being
stolen and something's being
destroyed in Oasisburg, tonight. But
who are the Gatekeepers of Justice?
And "Blow yourselves Up?" I guess
that's the whole fake death thing,
key word being "guess"...what am I
doing here?
A NERDESQUE LIBRARY CLERK moseys up to the strange woman talking
to her cat.
LIBRARY CLERK
I'm sorry, ma'am, there are no pets
allowed in the library...
SELINA
But I'm blind.
LIBRARY CLERK
It's seeing-eye dogs, ma'am. If I let
the cat stay, will you go out with
me?
SELINA
What if I say I'll go out with you,
so you can have all these great
daydreams, but then never actually
talk to you again?
LIBRARY CLERK
(not exactly what he wanted but..)
Okay, deal.
SELINA
"I'll go out with you." Now go get me
these old newspapers...
INT. ANOTHER SECTION OF THE LIBRARY--LATER
Selina slams out a back-issue of the Atlanta Constitution across
a wide library table. The cat hops up beside it. The newspaper
shows the aftermath of a Museum Explosion with the obvious
headline MUSEUM EXPLOSION--TREASURES LOST--28 DEAD--FIVE OF THEM
SUPERHEROES. Selina para-murmurs.
SELINA
"completely destroying the
Museum...valuable artwork lost
forever...blah, blah...since the
superheroes had secret identities..no
medical records to identify...more
blah-blah..burned capes and a severed
arm found at the scene determine..."
Selina crashes down into a chair and turns the page to a large
picture (captioned IN MEMORIAL--THE GATEKEEPERS OF JUSTICE) that
shows the familiar current members of the Cult of Good, in a
different set of uniforms, with different captioned names (like
Mr. Big--Mammoth, Mr. Strange--Spooky, Mr. Handsome--Adonis). It
is easy for the viewer to see the charade.
SELINA
Recognize anybody, Miss Kitty? Same
deal with St. Louis and the Awesome
Power Squad, no doubt...
Selina flickers a glance to a St. Louis newspaper that shows the
Cult of Good in yet another kind of costumage (with a notable
leader named The Mighty Helmeted One). The headline reads THEY
WILL BE MISSED.
SELINA
(nirvana)
These so-called superheroes are
modern day pirates, ruthless Viking
mercenaries who go from major city to
major city, secretly trashing and
pillaging away as good guys. They
eventually get bored and end their
excursions by grandly faking their
own deaths while at the same time,
pulling off a world-class heist. How
easy is this detective stuff? I know,
I know, I still don't know where the
big Oasisburg attack is going to be
tonight, but I'm telling you...
(deadpan halt)
Well, would you look at that, Merry
Christmas. There is a God. And his
name is Brock.
Selina looks down to a stray page of the Atlanta newspaper. It is
a photo of Brock Leviathan, in a hardhat, cutting a ribbon for
the opening of one of his creations. Selina growls in triumph.
SELINA
Brock Leviathan--in Atlanta the same
time as the psycho-superheroes. Two
plus two equals--I got you